What Might Have Been

Nine months ago I was pregnant.  I remember calling my sister to tell her that we were going to have a February baby.  She was especially excited because my baby and my sister might have shared birthdays. 

Brit's birthday is tomorrow, but I won't be having a baby anytime soon. 

I can't help but think about how different our life would be right now.  In a way it would probably be more hectic and complicated, but oh how different and exciting it would be. 

For a long time after my tubal pregnancy I didn't really know what to think of everything that had happened.  I didn't know if I was supposed to feel like that pregancy, that embryo, that baby was already a part of our family...I didn't even know what you called it at that stage.

 I do know that it was part Lou and part me and I absolutely loved everything about it.  I have often thought back to that special time of my life and smiled so big just remembering how happy I was.  When the test read "Pregnant" I cried happy tears in the bathroom stall at work. And when the nurse called to tell me that I was definitely pregnant I smiled so big.  Telling my family and friends was so wonderful. 

I don't know if I will have that experience again.  I definitely hope that I am able to have that again someday.  Sometimes I think about naming that little bean just so that I never forget how happy she made me feel, but then I think that sounds ridiculous and I just push the thought out. 

Name or no name I will always have a special place in my heart for that first pregnancy, that beautiful happiness that I felt.