I'm back...or am I?

Wow!  I haven't been to this blog in a long time. It almost doesn't seem like mine anymore.  I guess that's kind of a good thing.  Life has gone in a new direction for me, and while I am not pregnant, I feel very content with my life as a mom. 

I think I sort of made a decision at some point that I truly needed a break from all this infertility craziness. I know it wasn't an easy decision to make and that is probably why I say "I sort of made a decision." I remember really wanting to focus on being a good step-mom to Jackson.  Even though I loved him dearly, in the back of my head I always felt that he didn't see me as a mom, and I didn't feel like he was MINE.

I wish I was a better writer and could put this in a more beautiful, meaning, post...the way it sounds and feels to me.

I don't even really know what I would say...Something in me has changed. 

I didn't think it was possible, but I LOVE Jackson more now than I ever did. I always thought as kids grew up and started back-talking and devloping that dreaded "attitude" that you some how...I don't want to say, loved them less...just felt more exasperated and irritated by them than anything else.  But I feel much more love for Jackson...more than ever before. He is such a sweet little person.  Such a HUGE part of our family.  Our house feels completely empty without him, and I almost can't stand to not have him with us.  

Of course there are times when he turns on his new attitude (the one I'm not fond of), and he irritates me, but the truth is...I probably irritate him too from time to time.  He's developing his own character, and I really LOVE every part of who he is becoming. 

I don't really know how I got here.  I remember saying to Lou that I wanted to take a break.  I also remember thinking that I wasn't being 100% truthful.  I knew it was probably the best thing for me considering how depressed I was becoming, but I was truly addicted to everything fertility/infertility related. I couldn't really stand the thought of not "trying" to get pregnant. I think we stopped trying...stopped seeing our doctor...stopped taking medication partly because we had to.  Here's what happened...

My medication wasn't approved by our insurance one month and by the time I got all that worked out it was too late to take it for that cycle.  The nurse recommended I see Dr. Swanson and talk to him about what else he could do for us (keep us on the meds, take us off, try something else, etc).

My appointment with Dr. Swanson got cancelled due to him being called out to deliver a baby so I rescheduled. Then I got a new job in the middle of all of this and I didn't want to take off during my first week at a new job, so I cancelled my appointment. Heather from Dr. Swanson's office called to reschedule and when the appointment came...he got called out deliver again. 

I never called back to reschedule.

By that point I was knee (or maybe even almost neck) deep in work.  I started working for someone who's previous controller really let all the balls fall (I might have made that expression up).  I was picking up pieces to a really big mess and I didn't have time to think about fertility. 

Somewhere in the mix of all my craziness...I started focusing more of my attention on myself and my family.  Somewhere along the way I started feeling perfectly happy having one great kid.  This is the party I wish I could explain in a better, more beautiful, way...I just can't really explain how it happened.

I know that Lou and Jackson and I still want to add to our famly, and I am hoping with all of my heart that that happens soon.  But I do think I can honestly say that I am happy in my life right now...just the way it is.

Lou and Jackson - I love you both so much.  Thank you for all the support you both give me.  I couldn't ask for a sweeter husband or son.

Mine All Mine

Back in December I was lying in bed one evening and Lou and I found a show on CMT called Meet The Wilsons It is a reality show (what else would you expect me to be watching...I love reality shows). Lou wasn't really watching it, but I got hooked and watched about 4 or 5 episodes in a row. The Wilsons are from Canada, living in Nashville and chasing a record deal.  They have 2 boys and (during the show) were in the middle of adopting a baby girl. They had previously had a failed adoption (the birth mom changed her mind) and they (since they're singers) wrote this song about the adoption.  I follow Kortney Wilson on twitter and wrote and told her that I loved this song and if I change the words around in my head a little it totally fits our infertility stuggle.  She wrote back right away and said "...it absolutely fits my sweet girl and good luck with your future plans." You can listen to the song here, but here are the lyrics:

Mine All Mine

When you're mine all mine I'll hold you Baby
I won't ever let you go.

We haven't met, but I know you're out there waiting for me.
And someday, somewhere I'll see your sweet face.
I'm not giving up; I know it'll happen when it's meant to be.
And all I've got to do is have some faith.

'Cause when you're mine all mine I'll hold you Baby
I won't ever let you go.
When the long hard search is over Baby,
I will love you heart and soul
'Til the end of time
When you're mine all mine.

I'll be your strength.
I'll be your shelter.
I'll keep you safe.

You'll light up my whole world with just your smile
And you'll make me melt
You'll make the world stop when you say my name
You'll make every tear I cried worth while

'Cause when you're mine all mine I'll hold you Baby

I won't ever let you go.
When the long hard search is over Baby,
I will love you heart and soul
'Til the end of time
When you're mine all mine.

I don't care if I call you my daughter or call you my son.
I don't care how you come to me Baby as long as you come.
 
'Cause when you're mine all mine I'll hold you Baby

I won't ever let you go.
When the long hard search is over Baby,
I'll be there to watch you grow.

When you're mine all mine I'll hold you Baby

I won't ever let you go.
When the long hard search is over Baby,
I will love you heart and soul

'Til the end of time
When you're mine all mine.

I'll be there 'til the end of time
Baby mine all mine, Baby mine all mine.

*******************************************
Music has been bringing me comfort lately and I find this song so sweet.

Another Progress Report...

Truthfully I don't have much to report.  I saw Dr. Swanson today and my cyst is shrinking.  It isn't gone, but that's okay...for now.  I will see Dr. Swanson again in two weeks and we will decide where to go from here/there.  We didn't make any decisions today and really...I was okay with that.  I have had a lot of pain with this cyst and have thought a few times that I might call and schedule a surgery to have it removed, but lately I have felt okay and somehow I feel kind of at peace.

I have been praying for help with my jealousy and for some reason I just feel like things are right right now.  I haven't really been stressing over fertility or what day of my cycle I'm on or anything really.  I actually went to a baby shower (since I had so much guilt for not attending the last one...I thought I'd try it out)...not so bad.  It was for a girl I work with and even though I didn't stay and watch her her open every gift or play every silly baby shower game...I still made an appearance and I have to say I was proud of myself.

I have somehow found a little bit of peace and it feels good.  I really can't tell you how I got here or when it happened...I just know I am going to stay here as long as I can.

Hopefully I will have more to update soon.  Until then...Be well.

Love,
S