How Did We Get Here?

Last week I woke up at 3:00am to pee and I took at pregnancy test at the same time.  I bought the digital test and I am glad because I would never have been able to read the plus sign/two line type test at 3:00am.  My eyes were all foggy and blurry and I wasn't awake yet.  I stayed in the bathroom until the test processed.  It was positive and it said PREGNANT

I kept waiting for the NOT to show up in front of it.

I flung the bathroom door open and yelled to Lou.  He sat up quickly...I think he thought I was hurt or something.  I told him we were pregnant.  We sat up in bed and held the test and hugged.  I don't think we cried.  I was seriously in SHOCK!

We were both so happy that we couldn't go right back to sleep.  I sent a quick message to my friend Michelle, who spent 8 years trying for a baby before she and her husband had Katelyn.  I said something like...Guess what?  I just took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Please think happy thoughts and pray for us.  She wrote me back within an hour or so...she must have been up early with Katelyn.

I sat up in bed and told Lou..go get the cheesecake!  We had been to Cheesecake Factory for dinner and I brought home a piece of cheesecake for dessert.  I never ate it.  4:00am seemed like a perfect time for cheesecake.  Lou brought two forks and we ate cake in our bed to celebrate!

I had bought a little newborn baby onesie that said Daddy Loves Me.  I had bought it quite a while ago.  I was taking a chance buying it, but I remember thinking if we never get pregnant and I end up wasting $7.00 on this...I've wasted more than that before.  I kept it in my car hidden for a few months.  After I told Lou that we were pregnant I went out to the garage and dug the onesie out of my hiding place.  I brought it in and gave it to Lou.

We knew we would wait a little bit to tell people.  Not too long, but just long enough for the doctor to tell us that the lab work looked good.  My lab work came back really low after our first blood test.  I was worried, but trying to stay positive.

Yesterday I had my second blood test and before it even came back I started bleeding pretty heavily and I knew something was wrong.  The doctor called about an hour or so after I started bleeding and confirmed that I was having a miscarriage.

I am so sad and so shocked.  I really didn't think this would happen to us.  How did we get here?

It's been over a year since I posted an entry here.  I'm going to try and work backwards to document what's been happening on our journey to now.  Right now I am just sad...and hurting.  What happened?

I'm back...or am I?

Wow!  I haven't been to this blog in a long time. It almost doesn't seem like mine anymore.  I guess that's kind of a good thing.  Life has gone in a new direction for me, and while I am not pregnant, I feel very content with my life as a mom. 

I think I sort of made a decision at some point that I truly needed a break from all this infertility craziness. I know it wasn't an easy decision to make and that is probably why I say "I sort of made a decision." I remember really wanting to focus on being a good step-mom to Jackson.  Even though I loved him dearly, in the back of my head I always felt that he didn't see me as a mom, and I didn't feel like he was MINE.

I wish I was a better writer and could put this in a more beautiful, meaning, post...the way it sounds and feels to me.

I don't even really know what I would say...Something in me has changed. 

I didn't think it was possible, but I LOVE Jackson more now than I ever did. I always thought as kids grew up and started back-talking and devloping that dreaded "attitude" that you some how...I don't want to say, loved them less...just felt more exasperated and irritated by them than anything else.  But I feel much more love for Jackson...more than ever before. He is such a sweet little person.  Such a HUGE part of our family.  Our house feels completely empty without him, and I almost can't stand to not have him with us.  

Of course there are times when he turns on his new attitude (the one I'm not fond of), and he irritates me, but the truth is...I probably irritate him too from time to time.  He's developing his own character, and I really LOVE every part of who he is becoming. 

I don't really know how I got here.  I remember saying to Lou that I wanted to take a break.  I also remember thinking that I wasn't being 100% truthful.  I knew it was probably the best thing for me considering how depressed I was becoming, but I was truly addicted to everything fertility/infertility related. I couldn't really stand the thought of not "trying" to get pregnant. I think we stopped trying...stopped seeing our doctor...stopped taking medication partly because we had to.  Here's what happened...

My medication wasn't approved by our insurance one month and by the time I got all that worked out it was too late to take it for that cycle.  The nurse recommended I see Dr. Swanson and talk to him about what else he could do for us (keep us on the meds, take us off, try something else, etc).

My appointment with Dr. Swanson got cancelled due to him being called out to deliver a baby so I rescheduled. Then I got a new job in the middle of all of this and I didn't want to take off during my first week at a new job, so I cancelled my appointment. Heather from Dr. Swanson's office called to reschedule and when the appointment came...he got called out deliver again. 

I never called back to reschedule.

By that point I was knee (or maybe even almost neck) deep in work.  I started working for someone who's previous controller really let all the balls fall (I might have made that expression up).  I was picking up pieces to a really big mess and I didn't have time to think about fertility. 

Somewhere in the mix of all my craziness...I started focusing more of my attention on myself and my family.  Somewhere along the way I started feeling perfectly happy having one great kid.  This is the party I wish I could explain in a better, more beautiful, way...I just can't really explain how it happened.

I know that Lou and Jackson and I still want to add to our famly, and I am hoping with all of my heart that that happens soon.  But I do think I can honestly say that I am happy in my life right now...just the way it is.

Lou and Jackson - I love you both so much.  Thank you for all the support you both give me.  I couldn't ask for a sweeter husband or son.

Update...or something like that.

Things in our life have changed...I got a new job and LOVE it.  Lou is considering back surgery...not right away, but within the next few years. I think with those two things it is safe to say that I kind of made up my mind to follow my head (and not my heart) and take a break from fertility/baby planning for a while.  My new job is great.  I like my bosses and everyone I work with.  I am busier than ever, but I really do prefer to work that way...busy is definitely better in my opinion.  Even though my new boss is completely 100% family oriented, I kind of feel like I need to put in a little time before I start planning to take time off to have a baby.  And with Lou's possible back surgery plans I feel like we need to put his health ahead of any further family planning.  Some of the back surgeries require some extensive therapy and recovery and bringing a baby into that mix may not be the best/smartest thing.

Just because I made my mind up does not mean this has been any easier on my heart.  Having a new job and a busy life has definetly helped  keep my mind occupied, but every now and then the sadness and longing creeps in and I am reminded how much I want to be a mother.  Today Lou and I were at Target.  I was ordering a drink at Starbucks and a mom and a little boy came up and she was asking him if he wanted anything.  He was walking a talking, but still real little and just so sweet.  I was watching them and thinking that I couldn't wait for the day when someone called me mom, and came crying to me when she/he was hurt.

Most days for me are pretty good.  I usually don't think about babies and when someone brings up kids or babies I can usually keep it together.  I haven't been to the doctor in months. I think I did ovulate on my own last month.  I started my period on my own. We'll see what happens with this next cycle and I suppose that if I go more than a month or two without a period I should make an appointment.  Right now it feels kind of good to take my mind (and my body) off all of the systems and cycles and just let it be. I will say not having any hormones has been kind of weird. My emotions are a lot more all over the place.  I am breaking out like a teenager again and I sometimes just feel like I am coming out of my skin.

I keep telling myself that I am going to buy a book on grieving or see a grievance counselor, but I haven't done either.  Right now I want to work on coming back to a place where I just enjoy where I am in my life. I want to feel content with just being Lou's wife.  I want to feel happy about being a step-mom to Jackson.  I want to like myself as I am and not feel like I am broken/being punished for something/incapable/unfit/not cut out for...

Last week I lost my aunt.  I haven't said that outloud...or even written that a whole lot yet.  She was a beautiful, funny, sweet, warm, full of life, childless woman.  She was married to an amazing man and their love was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.  I wish I had been more close to her than I was.  I never asked her about her inability to have children or her decision to not adopt.  I didn't start to experience my own journey with infertility until after she had been diagnosed with ALS and was fighting with all her strength for her own life.  I thought so many times about picking up the phone and asking her to tell me her story, but I felt selfish to do that and I never did.  I know that she had made peace with all of that, but oh how I wish I knew how she got to that place.

Some days I feel like I am making progress and finding joy in my life as it is and other days I feel that longing creeping in...Does it ever stop creeping in?

A Family Like Marley & Me

I have not seen Marley and Me...mainly because Jackson saw it and told me Marley dies in the end...yeah I'm not watching it.  *Sorry if I ruined it for anyone...Opps!

So our sweet 6 year old saw Marley and Me with his mom and one evening while I was doing the dishes and he was sitting at the dinner table eating dessert we had this talk:

J: I wish we had a family like Marley and Me

S: What kind of a family do they have in Marley and Me?

J: Oh you know a mom and dad and two brothers and a sister

S: And a big slobbery dog?

J: No just our two dogs would be fine...but the mom is at home and when the dad gets home from work the boys play football in the front yard.

S: You know that dad and I are trying to have a baby, right?

J: Yes. You know I don't really care if it's a brother or a sister.  I know I said before that I wanted it to be a brother, but I would be fine with a sister.

S: I have been seeing a doctor that is helping us to get pregnant.  My body has had a little trouble getting pregnant. (After I said this I was praying that the "how do you get pregnant" question was not next)

J: Was it sad when you found out that time that you were pregnant and then the doctor told you that you were not pregnant?

*We had told Jackson that the doctor made a mistake after our ectopic pregnancy. We knew he would not understand what had happend.

S: It was not sad when the doctor told me that I was pregnant, but when I wasn't pregnant anymore that was very sad for me. 

J: I'm glad we had this talk.

I just love him! He is probably the sweetest little person I have ever known.  He has a huge heart for a being only 6.