Things in our life have changed...I got a new job and LOVE it. Lou is considering back surgery...not right away, but within the next few years. I think with those two things it is safe to say that I kind of made up my mind to follow my head (and not my heart) and take a break from fertility/baby planning for a while. My new job is great. I like my bosses and everyone I work with. I am busier than ever, but I really do prefer to work that way...busy is definitely better in my opinion. Even though my new boss is completely 100% family oriented, I kind of feel like I need to put in a little time before I start planning to take time off to have a baby. And with Lou's possible back surgery plans I feel like we need to put his health ahead of any further family planning. Some of the back surgeries require some extensive therapy and recovery and bringing a baby into that mix may not be the best/smartest thing.
Just because I made my mind up does not mean this has been any easier on my heart. Having a new job and a busy life has definetly helped keep my mind occupied, but every now and then the sadness and longing creeps in and I am reminded how much I want to be a mother. Today Lou and I were at Target. I was ordering a drink at Starbucks and a mom and a little boy came up and she was asking him if he wanted anything. He was walking a talking, but still real little and just so sweet. I was watching them and thinking that I couldn't wait for the day when someone called me mom, and came crying to me when she/he was hurt.
Most days for me are pretty good. I usually don't think about babies and when someone brings up kids or babies I can usually keep it together. I haven't been to the doctor in months. I think I did ovulate on my own last month. I started my period on my own. We'll see what happens with this next cycle and I suppose that if I go more than a month or two without a period I should make an appointment. Right now it feels kind of good to take my mind (and my body) off all of the systems and cycles and just let it be. I will say not having any hormones has been kind of weird. My emotions are a lot more all over the place. I am breaking out like a teenager again and I sometimes just feel like I am coming out of my skin.
I keep telling myself that I am going to buy a book on grieving or see a grievance counselor, but I haven't done either. Right now I want to work on coming back to a place where I just enjoy where I am in my life. I want to feel content with just being Lou's wife. I want to feel happy about being a step-mom to Jackson. I want to like myself as I am and not feel like I am broken/being punished for something/incapable/unfit/not cut out for...
Last week I lost my aunt. I haven't said that outloud...or even written that a whole lot yet. She was a beautiful, funny, sweet, warm, full of life, childless woman. She was married to an amazing man and their love was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I wish I had been more close to her than I was. I never asked her about her inability to have children or her decision to not adopt. I didn't start to experience my own journey with infertility until after she had been diagnosed with ALS and was fighting with all her strength for her own life. I thought so many times about picking up the phone and asking her to tell me her story, but I felt selfish to do that and I never did. I know that she had made peace with all of that, but oh how I wish I knew how she got to that place.
Some days I feel like I am making progress and finding joy in my life as it is and other days I feel that longing creeping in...Does it ever stop creeping in?
Showing posts with label Frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Frustration. Show all posts
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
I'm just going to get down to it...
Well, my second round of Femara didn't work as well as the first round. I did have 1 follicle, but only 1 and...yep...on the right side.
Lou was going in for pain block injections in his back during ovulation week. He was thinking he'd be fine and we could get right down to business as soon as he was done with the shots...So cute and so sweet. Instead, I surged on the day of the injections and the shots were NOTHING like we imagined. In fact he's feeling worse now than he did before he had the shots. So needless to say we didn't really "try" this month, but at the same time I felt like our chances were pretty slim anyway.
So second round of Femara...Nothing.
Over the last two weeks of my last cycle I started to feel very depressed. I was really starting to question my ability to put myself through this month after month. I don't even know how it came or how I came to realize, but all of a sudden I knew I was falling apart. I really couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to see anyone, call anyone, go anywhere. For the first time in a long time I felt horribly depressed.
I went back and forth on this next cycle and if I would continue the do the Femara. Jane said the last time I saw her that Dr. Swanson would only probably let me do one or two more cycles before he referred me out to someone else. I think the thought of that made me really sad and I thought if I stopped everything I could somehow control this journey. Like controlling it myself made any of it more easy???
Anyway, I finally decided to do the 3rd cycle. So when Aunto Flo came I knew I needed to get my prescription filled. The thrid day of my cycle was on a Saturday. I waited until the last minute to go to the pharmacy and when I did it was just an hour before closing. I waited at the counter and the girl working the register said that my prescription had been declined. Our insurance is really weird...It will only pay for a medication (most medications) two times before it identifies it as a "maintenance" drug and requires the doctor to dispense it in a 90 or 100 day supply. In the past my Clomid had been approved to dispense on a monthly basis because of the nature of the treatment and we never had any problem. Well, Femara is not on the "approved" list of fertility drugs (to be dispensed monthly) so the "system" would not clear it. AND...it was Saturday at 5:30pm. Cash pay for 10 pills...$158. I was not prepared to pay for that.
I started crying in the pharmacy. I called Dr. Swanson...not on call. I called the insuracne company...no one to override the hold until Monday. I tried taking it to a different pharmacy...Nothing. I felt like I had sabotaged this whole month.
All I could do was wait until Monday.
Monday morning I started calling our insurance company and gafter about four calls got someone who understood what I was asking. By that afternoon our benefit coordinator had said she could override it on a monthly basis if it was only going to be a few more months. I called Dr. Swanson's office (since now I was day 5 of my cycle) to see if I could still take the Femara this month. He called me at about 5:30pm and I told him the situation. He was so sorry that I had had that happen, but also said that I could not start the Femara after day 4.
So here I sit. I'm on a break...and truthfully I don't know if I want this break to end...at least for a while. I go back and forth every day...and sometimes two and three times a day my mind changes about what I want to do with this journey. I still have an appointment to see Dr. Swanson (to "talk") on the 15th on March. I am concerned that I might get a cycst and/or that I won't get a period. I will most likely keep my appointment just so we can talk about that. I know that I do not want to go on birth control for any length of time even if that means I won't get a cyst and my periods will be regulated.
That's it for now...I'm done. I got nothing else.
Lou was going in for pain block injections in his back during ovulation week. He was thinking he'd be fine and we could get right down to business as soon as he was done with the shots...So cute and so sweet. Instead, I surged on the day of the injections and the shots were NOTHING like we imagined. In fact he's feeling worse now than he did before he had the shots. So needless to say we didn't really "try" this month, but at the same time I felt like our chances were pretty slim anyway.
So second round of Femara...Nothing.
Over the last two weeks of my last cycle I started to feel very depressed. I was really starting to question my ability to put myself through this month after month. I don't even know how it came or how I came to realize, but all of a sudden I knew I was falling apart. I really couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to see anyone, call anyone, go anywhere. For the first time in a long time I felt horribly depressed.
I went back and forth on this next cycle and if I would continue the do the Femara. Jane said the last time I saw her that Dr. Swanson would only probably let me do one or two more cycles before he referred me out to someone else. I think the thought of that made me really sad and I thought if I stopped everything I could somehow control this journey. Like controlling it myself made any of it more easy???
Anyway, I finally decided to do the 3rd cycle. So when Aunto Flo came I knew I needed to get my prescription filled. The thrid day of my cycle was on a Saturday. I waited until the last minute to go to the pharmacy and when I did it was just an hour before closing. I waited at the counter and the girl working the register said that my prescription had been declined. Our insurance is really weird...It will only pay for a medication (most medications) two times before it identifies it as a "maintenance" drug and requires the doctor to dispense it in a 90 or 100 day supply. In the past my Clomid had been approved to dispense on a monthly basis because of the nature of the treatment and we never had any problem. Well, Femara is not on the "approved" list of fertility drugs (to be dispensed monthly) so the "system" would not clear it. AND...it was Saturday at 5:30pm. Cash pay for 10 pills...$158. I was not prepared to pay for that.
I started crying in the pharmacy. I called Dr. Swanson...not on call. I called the insuracne company...no one to override the hold until Monday. I tried taking it to a different pharmacy...Nothing. I felt like I had sabotaged this whole month.
All I could do was wait until Monday.
Monday morning I started calling our insurance company and gafter about four calls got someone who understood what I was asking. By that afternoon our benefit coordinator had said she could override it on a monthly basis if it was only going to be a few more months. I called Dr. Swanson's office (since now I was day 5 of my cycle) to see if I could still take the Femara this month. He called me at about 5:30pm and I told him the situation. He was so sorry that I had had that happen, but also said that I could not start the Femara after day 4.
So here I sit. I'm on a break...and truthfully I don't know if I want this break to end...at least for a while. I go back and forth every day...and sometimes two and three times a day my mind changes about what I want to do with this journey. I still have an appointment to see Dr. Swanson (to "talk") on the 15th on March. I am concerned that I might get a cycst and/or that I won't get a period. I will most likely keep my appointment just so we can talk about that. I know that I do not want to go on birth control for any length of time even if that means I won't get a cyst and my periods will be regulated.
That's it for now...I'm done. I got nothing else.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Melt-down
This last Sunday was Lou's birthday. He turned 40! I wanted it to be special for him...I thought of many different presents that I could give him. I really was hoping that since I (still) hadn't started my period after the progesterone shot that maybe that might mean...I was pregnant. I know what a crazy thought, but this really isn't that abnormal for an infertile myrtle like me. I am sure anyone reading along that's been on or is on a similar journey to mine knows exactly what I am talking about. For some reason, even though you have taken like a hundred pregnancy tests and you know that your cycles are all messed up, whenever you don't have a period you can't put out of your head the thought that...this might be IT!
So Lou's birthday and I am thinking wouldn't it be cool to give him this great GIFT on his birthday. We talked briefly about it and I bought a pregnancy test. I came home and took the test. In the 3 minutes or whatever it was, I was thinking...I'll wrap up the test if it's positive and give it to Lou. I set the test on the bathroom counter and when I looked down at it...Negative.
I told Lou that the test was negative and the flood gates opened and I was offically a MESS. I had a Melt-down. One of those "Let's just give up" "I don't know why this is happening" "If I could just ask God one question..." Melt-downs. It was ugly and I feel bad because I had it on Lou's birthday. Lou of course was my usual sweet, rock of a husband. He said, "What if we concentrate on getting healthy?" when I said I wanted to quit. He said, "Tell me all about IVF." when I started jumping ahead of ourselves. He even went adoption with me when that topic came up. And in the end I couldn't quit. We agreed to keep taking Dr. Swanson's advice as long as he was giving it...or until I turned 35 (I'm 30 now). I don't want to keep this up forever and we determined 35 a reasonable age to quit trying...if that is where we still are. And of course as we get closer to 35 we'll have to evaluate our progress and our options and make whatever decisions are right for us when we get there. So really it was truly just a Melt-down...No big decisions...I didn't really want that...I just wanted to have my pity party...and that's exactly what it was.
Sorry Babe, for having my own party on your birthday...that wasn't very fair. I love you. I love that you want to be on this crazy journey with me. I am glad that we have been holding hands through everything we've been through...and it's been a lot. I feel like we are getting closer and closer through it all and my love for you keeps getting stronger and stronger. You are my very best friend and I could not be doing this journey with anyone but YOU.
XOXOXOX
So Lou's birthday and I am thinking wouldn't it be cool to give him this great GIFT on his birthday. We talked briefly about it and I bought a pregnancy test. I came home and took the test. In the 3 minutes or whatever it was, I was thinking...I'll wrap up the test if it's positive and give it to Lou. I set the test on the bathroom counter and when I looked down at it...Negative.
I told Lou that the test was negative and the flood gates opened and I was offically a MESS. I had a Melt-down. One of those "Let's just give up" "I don't know why this is happening" "If I could just ask God one question..." Melt-downs. It was ugly and I feel bad because I had it on Lou's birthday. Lou of course was my usual sweet, rock of a husband. He said, "What if we concentrate on getting healthy?" when I said I wanted to quit. He said, "Tell me all about IVF." when I started jumping ahead of ourselves. He even went adoption with me when that topic came up. And in the end I couldn't quit. We agreed to keep taking Dr. Swanson's advice as long as he was giving it...or until I turned 35 (I'm 30 now). I don't want to keep this up forever and we determined 35 a reasonable age to quit trying...if that is where we still are. And of course as we get closer to 35 we'll have to evaluate our progress and our options and make whatever decisions are right for us when we get there. So really it was truly just a Melt-down...No big decisions...I didn't really want that...I just wanted to have my pity party...and that's exactly what it was.
Sorry Babe, for having my own party on your birthday...that wasn't very fair. I love you. I love that you want to be on this crazy journey with me. I am glad that we have been holding hands through everything we've been through...and it's been a lot. I feel like we are getting closer and closer through it all and my love for you keeps getting stronger and stronger. You are my very best friend and I could not be doing this journey with anyone but YOU.
XOXOXOX
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Why?
I started my period today. I didn't cry, but I almost did. I didn't really think I was pregnant this month since I hadn't gotten a positive OPK, but still every time I start my period I feel sad.
Lou tried to remind me that for a long time I never started on my own...I know the fact that I'm having a period has got to be good. I wish I just knew:
Why I only had a 21 day cycle last month and this time it was a 32 day cycle.
Why last month I ovulated on day 12 and some months I ovulate on day 16 or 14 or 21.
Why for my whole life when I didn't care about having a period I was always having one (every month like clock work) and now I can't have a normal period to save my life.
Why do some girls get pregnant the first time they have sex and some girls (me) can't?
Why does all this fertility stuff have to be so hard/emotional/expensive/sad/mad/crazy?
Lou tried to remind me that for a long time I never started on my own...I know the fact that I'm having a period has got to be good. I wish I just knew:
Why I only had a 21 day cycle last month and this time it was a 32 day cycle.
Why last month I ovulated on day 12 and some months I ovulate on day 16 or 14 or 21.
Why for my whole life when I didn't care about having a period I was always having one (every month like clock work) and now I can't have a normal period to save my life.
Why do some girls get pregnant the first time they have sex and some girls (me) can't?
Why does all this fertility stuff have to be so hard/emotional/expensive/sad/mad/crazy?
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