Greif Counseling

One of the best things I did on our break from fertility treatments and trying to conceive....I went to Greif counseling.  I had the most amazing therapist...she specializes in Angel babies.  In all my times going to counseling/therapy (yes...all my times), this has been the best experience.  I feel like I learned the most and grew the most from this experience. 

I can't even really explain what happened or how it helped...It just did.  I went about a year ago...right around the time my Gram passed away.  We were thinking of adoption and all of a sudden I didn't feel over our first Angel. My therapist helped me to understand that I might not ever be "over" it and that was perfectly okay.  We used my Gram's passing as a reference...She said, what would you say if someone asked you if you were "over" your grandmother's passing?

I remember thinking that I would never stop missing her, and that even though some days might be easier than others I would never not be sad about not having her here.  That didn't seem so weird to me, but for some reason if you have a miscarriage I felt like you should just be able to move on. 

She also asked me...if you delivered a baby and the baby died shortly after delivery, should you just get over it? That all definitely changed my perspective and made me feel like the way that I was feeling was totally okay. 

The biggest lesson (for me) was becoming okay with feeling however I felt.  I didn't have to feel guilty for being happy and I didn't have to beat myself up if I was sad.  I would have good days and bad days and no matter what kind of day I was having...it is okay. 

This has without a doubt been one of the biggest challenges I have ever had to face.  I wonder every day why I have had to deal with such a great challenge...and I don't know.  I feel better now than I think I have ever felt during this whole experience...but some days are still a challenge...and that is okay. 

I Had A Dream

Two nights ago I had the most amazing real dream.  I had a dream that Lou and I found out we were pregnant.  We were excited and shocked that it happened so soon after our miscarriage.  The weirdest part (because even the best dreams are weird) was that there was no 9 months...All of a sudden we were having the baby. 

I don't remember much about the labor or delivery (probably better that way), but I do remember Lou, my mom and my grandma were there.  We had a baby girl and we took her home without a name. 

We took her to my grandparents house and my grandma was sitting on her couch (in her same old spot) and I laid our baby girl down on the couch and it felt like there were about 10 family members leaning over the kitchen counter to see her sleeping on the couch. 

The hospital kept calling and asking us to give them her name so that they could do the birth certificate.  We were going through name books while our sweet girl slept and trying out different names.  We ended up naming her Ivy.

The most amazing part...I remember kneeling down on the floor next to her (on the couch) and putting my face against her face and her smell was just so good.  It seemed so real...so real and so good. 

I woke up wanting to snuggle my face into a sleeping baby just to smell that amazing baby smell. 

How Did We Get Here?

Last week I woke up at 3:00am to pee and I took at pregnancy test at the same time.  I bought the digital test and I am glad because I would never have been able to read the plus sign/two line type test at 3:00am.  My eyes were all foggy and blurry and I wasn't awake yet.  I stayed in the bathroom until the test processed.  It was positive and it said PREGNANT

I kept waiting for the NOT to show up in front of it.

I flung the bathroom door open and yelled to Lou.  He sat up quickly...I think he thought I was hurt or something.  I told him we were pregnant.  We sat up in bed and held the test and hugged.  I don't think we cried.  I was seriously in SHOCK!

We were both so happy that we couldn't go right back to sleep.  I sent a quick message to my friend Michelle, who spent 8 years trying for a baby before she and her husband had Katelyn.  I said something like...Guess what?  I just took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Please think happy thoughts and pray for us.  She wrote me back within an hour or so...she must have been up early with Katelyn.

I sat up in bed and told Lou..go get the cheesecake!  We had been to Cheesecake Factory for dinner and I brought home a piece of cheesecake for dessert.  I never ate it.  4:00am seemed like a perfect time for cheesecake.  Lou brought two forks and we ate cake in our bed to celebrate!

I had bought a little newborn baby onesie that said Daddy Loves Me.  I had bought it quite a while ago.  I was taking a chance buying it, but I remember thinking if we never get pregnant and I end up wasting $7.00 on this...I've wasted more than that before.  I kept it in my car hidden for a few months.  After I told Lou that we were pregnant I went out to the garage and dug the onesie out of my hiding place.  I brought it in and gave it to Lou.

We knew we would wait a little bit to tell people.  Not too long, but just long enough for the doctor to tell us that the lab work looked good.  My lab work came back really low after our first blood test.  I was worried, but trying to stay positive.

Yesterday I had my second blood test and before it even came back I started bleeding pretty heavily and I knew something was wrong.  The doctor called about an hour or so after I started bleeding and confirmed that I was having a miscarriage.

I am so sad and so shocked.  I really didn't think this would happen to us.  How did we get here?

It's been over a year since I posted an entry here.  I'm going to try and work backwards to document what's been happening on our journey to now.  Right now I am just sad...and hurting.  What happened?

Conversations With an Infertile

This blog post has been writing itself in my head for quite some time.  I keep meaning to sit down and let it all out, but life has been busy and at the end of the day...especially lately..all I have wanted to do is veg out in front of the TV...Don't judge.

*Before I go any further...Note: this post is not intended to offend anyone.  I am not talking to anyone specific.  If you are offended, I'm...Well, Get off my blog. There...If you get offended by anything in this post...Quit Reading!

For quite some time I have been truly amazed at how many people have the nerve/guts/lack of comon sense to say some of the things they say...especially to an infertile woman/couples. Here are some of my favorites...and my sometimes real/sometimes what I want to say responses:

Person: Do you have any kids?

Me: I have a stepson...

Person: Oh, how old is he?

Me: 7

Person: Just one? Do you think you guys will have anymore?

Me: No
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Person: Do you think you guys will have anymore?

Me: Yes
*************************

Person: Do you think you guys will have anymore?

Me: I can't have kids.
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Person: Do you think you guys wil have anymore?

Me: Listen, we've been trying to have kids for over two years now.  We've taken fertility drugs, we've seen different doctors, we have suffered a tubal pregnancy...what else do you want to know you nosey bitch?

Seriously...if you don't know the person's situation you really shouldn't be asking if/when someone plans to get pregnant. It's like asking a single girl if she's been on any dates lately.  

Next...

Person: You know you can always adopt?

Me: Oh really?...I had no clue.
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Person: You know you can always adopt?

Me: Thanks for the advice.
*************************

Person: You know you can always adopt?

Me: Do you not understand what a total and complete process adoption is?  It's not something that we haven't thought of, but I'll be sure to remember you're totally for it when we decide if it's right for us or not.

Gimme a break...really. This is not like switching from regular to diet.

Here are some of my most hated one liners...

* I just hated being pregnant. - Don't ever say that to an infertile.

* If I was pregnant right now I would die.

* Oh, I'm so tired...I wish my baby wouldn't wake up every two/three/etc hours at night.


The other day a lady said to me, "It would be awful if I was pregnant." I said to her, "Oh, that's so sad." She gave me the most puzzled look. 

I know in this day and age (wow, do I sound like an old lady or what?) it seems like there are so many groups of people who are so sensitive about something. But truthfully, does nobody think about what they are saying anymore?  It really doesn't matter who you are talking to...be careful what you say.  Think about what is coming out of your mouth before you say it. You never know what the person next to you is going through.

PS: I am by no means perfect about watching what I say to others...this is a work in progess for me too. But please be a little more sensitive to those others out there like me.

Thank you Baby Jonah!

I held a baby for the first time in almost 2 years last weekend. 

This is such a big deal for someone like me.  As much as I always want to hold babies, I'm usually too nervous when the opportunity arises.  I am usually afraid that I won't want to give them back.  I am afraid that I will look awkward. I am afraid that the baby will start crying while I am holding them, and I won't be able to quiet them down and somehow that might mean that I don't have what it takes to be a mom.  Worst of all...I'm afraid that I will start crying and then oh what a scene that will be. 

This last weekend I finally held my cousin's baby boy Jonah.  He is almost not a baby-baby anymore (sorry Ashly)...he's already one.  He is starting to walk, but is just not quite confident enough to go go go yet.  He is such a good baby.  He has the cutest, sweetest face.  Most of all, I just loved holding him. 

I feel kind of proud of myself.  Thank you Jonah!
Hope I get to hold you again...soon.

From one Myrtle to Another

Oh goodness...my sweet sweet friend, Michelle, posted such a beautiful poem on her blog that I had to steal it.

I have always enjoyed reading her entries...Her blog has been a blessing to me long before I ever even told her about my struggle with infertility.  She has a beautiful way of writing about such a personal experience. 

Michelle and Ryan have been trying to conceive for 7 years.  They just found out they were pregnant, and not more than a week later the baby stopped growing and they lost their pregnancy. They have been in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. 

Michelle, I just love you.  I hope you know how sweet it is to have you for my friend. I am thinking of you and praying for you.  I am here for you if you need me.  I know you have a big support group, but please do not hesitate to call me or email me if you need anything.   

It's crazy to me that even during your tough time you are still offering so much support to so many others through your blog. Hope you don't mind I borrowed this poem that you used in one of your recent posts.



I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and
cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

I'm back...or am I?

Wow!  I haven't been to this blog in a long time. It almost doesn't seem like mine anymore.  I guess that's kind of a good thing.  Life has gone in a new direction for me, and while I am not pregnant, I feel very content with my life as a mom. 

I think I sort of made a decision at some point that I truly needed a break from all this infertility craziness. I know it wasn't an easy decision to make and that is probably why I say "I sort of made a decision." I remember really wanting to focus on being a good step-mom to Jackson.  Even though I loved him dearly, in the back of my head I always felt that he didn't see me as a mom, and I didn't feel like he was MINE.

I wish I was a better writer and could put this in a more beautiful, meaning, post...the way it sounds and feels to me.

I don't even really know what I would say...Something in me has changed. 

I didn't think it was possible, but I LOVE Jackson more now than I ever did. I always thought as kids grew up and started back-talking and devloping that dreaded "attitude" that you some how...I don't want to say, loved them less...just felt more exasperated and irritated by them than anything else.  But I feel much more love for Jackson...more than ever before. He is such a sweet little person.  Such a HUGE part of our family.  Our house feels completely empty without him, and I almost can't stand to not have him with us.  

Of course there are times when he turns on his new attitude (the one I'm not fond of), and he irritates me, but the truth is...I probably irritate him too from time to time.  He's developing his own character, and I really LOVE every part of who he is becoming. 

I don't really know how I got here.  I remember saying to Lou that I wanted to take a break.  I also remember thinking that I wasn't being 100% truthful.  I knew it was probably the best thing for me considering how depressed I was becoming, but I was truly addicted to everything fertility/infertility related. I couldn't really stand the thought of not "trying" to get pregnant. I think we stopped trying...stopped seeing our doctor...stopped taking medication partly because we had to.  Here's what happened...

My medication wasn't approved by our insurance one month and by the time I got all that worked out it was too late to take it for that cycle.  The nurse recommended I see Dr. Swanson and talk to him about what else he could do for us (keep us on the meds, take us off, try something else, etc).

My appointment with Dr. Swanson got cancelled due to him being called out to deliver a baby so I rescheduled. Then I got a new job in the middle of all of this and I didn't want to take off during my first week at a new job, so I cancelled my appointment. Heather from Dr. Swanson's office called to reschedule and when the appointment came...he got called out deliver again. 

I never called back to reschedule.

By that point I was knee (or maybe even almost neck) deep in work.  I started working for someone who's previous controller really let all the balls fall (I might have made that expression up).  I was picking up pieces to a really big mess and I didn't have time to think about fertility. 

Somewhere in the mix of all my craziness...I started focusing more of my attention on myself and my family.  Somewhere along the way I started feeling perfectly happy having one great kid.  This is the party I wish I could explain in a better, more beautiful, way...I just can't really explain how it happened.

I know that Lou and Jackson and I still want to add to our famly, and I am hoping with all of my heart that that happens soon.  But I do think I can honestly say that I am happy in my life right now...just the way it is.

Lou and Jackson - I love you both so much.  Thank you for all the support you both give me.  I couldn't ask for a sweeter husband or son.

Update...or something like that.

Things in our life have changed...I got a new job and LOVE it.  Lou is considering back surgery...not right away, but within the next few years. I think with those two things it is safe to say that I kind of made up my mind to follow my head (and not my heart) and take a break from fertility/baby planning for a while.  My new job is great.  I like my bosses and everyone I work with.  I am busier than ever, but I really do prefer to work that way...busy is definitely better in my opinion.  Even though my new boss is completely 100% family oriented, I kind of feel like I need to put in a little time before I start planning to take time off to have a baby.  And with Lou's possible back surgery plans I feel like we need to put his health ahead of any further family planning.  Some of the back surgeries require some extensive therapy and recovery and bringing a baby into that mix may not be the best/smartest thing.

Just because I made my mind up does not mean this has been any easier on my heart.  Having a new job and a busy life has definetly helped  keep my mind occupied, but every now and then the sadness and longing creeps in and I am reminded how much I want to be a mother.  Today Lou and I were at Target.  I was ordering a drink at Starbucks and a mom and a little boy came up and she was asking him if he wanted anything.  He was walking a talking, but still real little and just so sweet.  I was watching them and thinking that I couldn't wait for the day when someone called me mom, and came crying to me when she/he was hurt.

Most days for me are pretty good.  I usually don't think about babies and when someone brings up kids or babies I can usually keep it together.  I haven't been to the doctor in months. I think I did ovulate on my own last month.  I started my period on my own. We'll see what happens with this next cycle and I suppose that if I go more than a month or two without a period I should make an appointment.  Right now it feels kind of good to take my mind (and my body) off all of the systems and cycles and just let it be. I will say not having any hormones has been kind of weird. My emotions are a lot more all over the place.  I am breaking out like a teenager again and I sometimes just feel like I am coming out of my skin.

I keep telling myself that I am going to buy a book on grieving or see a grievance counselor, but I haven't done either.  Right now I want to work on coming back to a place where I just enjoy where I am in my life. I want to feel content with just being Lou's wife.  I want to feel happy about being a step-mom to Jackson.  I want to like myself as I am and not feel like I am broken/being punished for something/incapable/unfit/not cut out for...

Last week I lost my aunt.  I haven't said that outloud...or even written that a whole lot yet.  She was a beautiful, funny, sweet, warm, full of life, childless woman.  She was married to an amazing man and their love was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.  I wish I had been more close to her than I was.  I never asked her about her inability to have children or her decision to not adopt.  I didn't start to experience my own journey with infertility until after she had been diagnosed with ALS and was fighting with all her strength for her own life.  I thought so many times about picking up the phone and asking her to tell me her story, but I felt selfish to do that and I never did.  I know that she had made peace with all of that, but oh how I wish I knew how she got to that place.

Some days I feel like I am making progress and finding joy in my life as it is and other days I feel that longing creeping in...Does it ever stop creeping in?

I'm just going to get down to it...

Well, my second round of Femara didn't work as well as the first round.  I did have 1 follicle, but only 1 and...yep...on the right side. 

Lou was going in for pain block injections in his back during ovulation week.  He was thinking he'd be fine and we could get right down to business as soon as he was done with the shots...So cute and so sweet.  Instead, I surged on the day of the injections and the shots were NOTHING like we imagined.  In fact he's feeling worse now than he did before he had the shots.  So needless to say we didn't really "try" this month, but at the same time I felt like our chances were pretty slim anyway.

So second round of Femara...Nothing. 

Over the last two weeks of my last cycle I started to feel very depressed.  I was really starting to question my ability to put myself through this month after month.  I don't even know how it came or how I came to realize, but all of a sudden I knew I was falling apart.  I really couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to see anyone, call anyone, go anywhere.  For the first time in a long time I felt horribly depressed. 

I went back and forth on this next cycle and if I would continue the do the Femara.  Jane said the last time I saw her that Dr. Swanson would only probably let me do one or two more cycles before he referred me out to someone else.  I think the thought of that made me really sad and I thought if I stopped everything I could somehow control this journey.  Like controlling it myself made any of it more easy???

Anyway, I finally decided to do the 3rd cycle.  So when Aunto Flo came I knew I needed to get my prescription filled.  The thrid day of my cycle was on a Saturday.  I waited until the last minute to go to the pharmacy and when I did it was just an hour before closing. I waited at the counter and the girl working the register said that my prescription had been declined.  Our insurance is really weird...It will only pay for a medication (most medications) two times before it identifies it as a "maintenance" drug and requires the doctor to dispense it in a 90 or 100 day supply.  In the past my Clomid had been approved to dispense on a monthly basis because of the nature of the treatment and we never had any problem.  Well, Femara is not on the "approved" list of fertility drugs (to be dispensed monthly) so the "system" would not clear it.  AND...it was Saturday at 5:30pm. Cash pay for 10 pills...$158.  I was not prepared to pay for that.

I started crying in the pharmacy.  I called Dr. Swanson...not on call. I called the insuracne company...no one to override the hold until Monday.  I tried taking it to a different pharmacy...Nothing. I felt like I had sabotaged this whole month. 

All I could do was wait until Monday. 

Monday morning I started calling our insurance company and gafter about four calls got someone who understood what I was asking. By that afternoon our benefit coordinator had said she could override it on a monthly basis if it was only going to be a few more months.  I called Dr. Swanson's office (since now I was day 5 of my cycle) to see if I could still take the Femara this month.  He called me at about 5:30pm and I told him the situation.  He was so sorry that I had had that happen, but also said that I could not start the Femara after day 4. 

So here I sit.  I'm on a break...and truthfully I don't know if I want this break to end...at least for a while.  I go back and forth every day...and sometimes two and three times a day my mind changes about what I want to do with this journey.  I still have an appointment to see Dr. Swanson (to "talk") on the 15th on March.  I am concerned that I might get a cycst and/or that I won't get a period.  I will most likely keep my appointment just so we can talk about that.   I know that I do not want to go on birth control for any length of time even if that means I won't get a cyst and my periods will be regulated. 

That's it for now...I'm done.  I got nothing else.

Coming Soon

There is a lot to blog about...it's coming soon.  I promise.  I am totally exhausted tonight...I can't make anything make sense right now, but it will come soon enough.  It's nothing too exciting so don't all get thinking crazy. 

Love and Baby Dust to all. 

That's right I said Baby Dust...in the baby making world "Baby Dust" is totally normal....Especially at the end of a post.

Good Night.