Update...or something like that.

Things in our life have changed...I got a new job and LOVE it.  Lou is considering back surgery...not right away, but within the next few years. I think with those two things it is safe to say that I kind of made up my mind to follow my head (and not my heart) and take a break from fertility/baby planning for a while.  My new job is great.  I like my bosses and everyone I work with.  I am busier than ever, but I really do prefer to work that way...busy is definitely better in my opinion.  Even though my new boss is completely 100% family oriented, I kind of feel like I need to put in a little time before I start planning to take time off to have a baby.  And with Lou's possible back surgery plans I feel like we need to put his health ahead of any further family planning.  Some of the back surgeries require some extensive therapy and recovery and bringing a baby into that mix may not be the best/smartest thing.

Just because I made my mind up does not mean this has been any easier on my heart.  Having a new job and a busy life has definetly helped  keep my mind occupied, but every now and then the sadness and longing creeps in and I am reminded how much I want to be a mother.  Today Lou and I were at Target.  I was ordering a drink at Starbucks and a mom and a little boy came up and she was asking him if he wanted anything.  He was walking a talking, but still real little and just so sweet.  I was watching them and thinking that I couldn't wait for the day when someone called me mom, and came crying to me when she/he was hurt.

Most days for me are pretty good.  I usually don't think about babies and when someone brings up kids or babies I can usually keep it together.  I haven't been to the doctor in months. I think I did ovulate on my own last month.  I started my period on my own. We'll see what happens with this next cycle and I suppose that if I go more than a month or two without a period I should make an appointment.  Right now it feels kind of good to take my mind (and my body) off all of the systems and cycles and just let it be. I will say not having any hormones has been kind of weird. My emotions are a lot more all over the place.  I am breaking out like a teenager again and I sometimes just feel like I am coming out of my skin.

I keep telling myself that I am going to buy a book on grieving or see a grievance counselor, but I haven't done either.  Right now I want to work on coming back to a place where I just enjoy where I am in my life. I want to feel content with just being Lou's wife.  I want to feel happy about being a step-mom to Jackson.  I want to like myself as I am and not feel like I am broken/being punished for something/incapable/unfit/not cut out for...

Last week I lost my aunt.  I haven't said that outloud...or even written that a whole lot yet.  She was a beautiful, funny, sweet, warm, full of life, childless woman.  She was married to an amazing man and their love was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.  I wish I had been more close to her than I was.  I never asked her about her inability to have children or her decision to not adopt.  I didn't start to experience my own journey with infertility until after she had been diagnosed with ALS and was fighting with all her strength for her own life.  I thought so many times about picking up the phone and asking her to tell me her story, but I felt selfish to do that and I never did.  I know that she had made peace with all of that, but oh how I wish I knew how she got to that place.

Some days I feel like I am making progress and finding joy in my life as it is and other days I feel that longing creeping in...Does it ever stop creeping in?