I'm just going to get down to it...

Well, my second round of Femara didn't work as well as the first round.  I did have 1 follicle, but only 1 and...yep...on the right side. 

Lou was going in for pain block injections in his back during ovulation week.  He was thinking he'd be fine and we could get right down to business as soon as he was done with the shots...So cute and so sweet.  Instead, I surged on the day of the injections and the shots were NOTHING like we imagined.  In fact he's feeling worse now than he did before he had the shots.  So needless to say we didn't really "try" this month, but at the same time I felt like our chances were pretty slim anyway.

So second round of Femara...Nothing. 

Over the last two weeks of my last cycle I started to feel very depressed.  I was really starting to question my ability to put myself through this month after month.  I don't even know how it came or how I came to realize, but all of a sudden I knew I was falling apart.  I really couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to see anyone, call anyone, go anywhere.  For the first time in a long time I felt horribly depressed. 

I went back and forth on this next cycle and if I would continue the do the Femara.  Jane said the last time I saw her that Dr. Swanson would only probably let me do one or two more cycles before he referred me out to someone else.  I think the thought of that made me really sad and I thought if I stopped everything I could somehow control this journey.  Like controlling it myself made any of it more easy???

Anyway, I finally decided to do the 3rd cycle.  So when Aunto Flo came I knew I needed to get my prescription filled.  The thrid day of my cycle was on a Saturday.  I waited until the last minute to go to the pharmacy and when I did it was just an hour before closing. I waited at the counter and the girl working the register said that my prescription had been declined.  Our insurance is really weird...It will only pay for a medication (most medications) two times before it identifies it as a "maintenance" drug and requires the doctor to dispense it in a 90 or 100 day supply.  In the past my Clomid had been approved to dispense on a monthly basis because of the nature of the treatment and we never had any problem.  Well, Femara is not on the "approved" list of fertility drugs (to be dispensed monthly) so the "system" would not clear it.  AND...it was Saturday at 5:30pm. Cash pay for 10 pills...$158.  I was not prepared to pay for that.

I started crying in the pharmacy.  I called Dr. Swanson...not on call. I called the insuracne company...no one to override the hold until Monday.  I tried taking it to a different pharmacy...Nothing. I felt like I had sabotaged this whole month. 

All I could do was wait until Monday. 

Monday morning I started calling our insurance company and gafter about four calls got someone who understood what I was asking. By that afternoon our benefit coordinator had said she could override it on a monthly basis if it was only going to be a few more months.  I called Dr. Swanson's office (since now I was day 5 of my cycle) to see if I could still take the Femara this month.  He called me at about 5:30pm and I told him the situation.  He was so sorry that I had had that happen, but also said that I could not start the Femara after day 4. 

So here I sit.  I'm on a break...and truthfully I don't know if I want this break to end...at least for a while.  I go back and forth every day...and sometimes two and three times a day my mind changes about what I want to do with this journey.  I still have an appointment to see Dr. Swanson (to "talk") on the 15th on March.  I am concerned that I might get a cycst and/or that I won't get a period.  I will most likely keep my appointment just so we can talk about that.   I know that I do not want to go on birth control for any length of time even if that means I won't get a cyst and my periods will be regulated. 

That's it for now...I'm done.  I got nothing else.