I'm back...or am I?

Wow!  I haven't been to this blog in a long time. It almost doesn't seem like mine anymore.  I guess that's kind of a good thing.  Life has gone in a new direction for me, and while I am not pregnant, I feel very content with my life as a mom. 

I think I sort of made a decision at some point that I truly needed a break from all this infertility craziness. I know it wasn't an easy decision to make and that is probably why I say "I sort of made a decision." I remember really wanting to focus on being a good step-mom to Jackson.  Even though I loved him dearly, in the back of my head I always felt that he didn't see me as a mom, and I didn't feel like he was MINE.

I wish I was a better writer and could put this in a more beautiful, meaning, post...the way it sounds and feels to me.

I don't even really know what I would say...Something in me has changed. 

I didn't think it was possible, but I LOVE Jackson more now than I ever did. I always thought as kids grew up and started back-talking and devloping that dreaded "attitude" that you some how...I don't want to say, loved them less...just felt more exasperated and irritated by them than anything else.  But I feel much more love for Jackson...more than ever before. He is such a sweet little person.  Such a HUGE part of our family.  Our house feels completely empty without him, and I almost can't stand to not have him with us.  

Of course there are times when he turns on his new attitude (the one I'm not fond of), and he irritates me, but the truth is...I probably irritate him too from time to time.  He's developing his own character, and I really LOVE every part of who he is becoming. 

I don't really know how I got here.  I remember saying to Lou that I wanted to take a break.  I also remember thinking that I wasn't being 100% truthful.  I knew it was probably the best thing for me considering how depressed I was becoming, but I was truly addicted to everything fertility/infertility related. I couldn't really stand the thought of not "trying" to get pregnant. I think we stopped trying...stopped seeing our doctor...stopped taking medication partly because we had to.  Here's what happened...

My medication wasn't approved by our insurance one month and by the time I got all that worked out it was too late to take it for that cycle.  The nurse recommended I see Dr. Swanson and talk to him about what else he could do for us (keep us on the meds, take us off, try something else, etc).

My appointment with Dr. Swanson got cancelled due to him being called out to deliver a baby so I rescheduled. Then I got a new job in the middle of all of this and I didn't want to take off during my first week at a new job, so I cancelled my appointment. Heather from Dr. Swanson's office called to reschedule and when the appointment came...he got called out deliver again. 

I never called back to reschedule.

By that point I was knee (or maybe even almost neck) deep in work.  I started working for someone who's previous controller really let all the balls fall (I might have made that expression up).  I was picking up pieces to a really big mess and I didn't have time to think about fertility. 

Somewhere in the mix of all my craziness...I started focusing more of my attention on myself and my family.  Somewhere along the way I started feeling perfectly happy having one great kid.  This is the party I wish I could explain in a better, more beautiful, way...I just can't really explain how it happened.

I know that Lou and Jackson and I still want to add to our famly, and I am hoping with all of my heart that that happens soon.  But I do think I can honestly say that I am happy in my life right now...just the way it is.

Lou and Jackson - I love you both so much.  Thank you for all the support you both give me.  I couldn't ask for a sweeter husband or son.