Melt-down

This last Sunday was Lou's birthday.  He turned 40!  I wanted it to be special for him...I thought of many different presents that I could give him.  I really was hoping that since I (still) hadn't started my period after the progesterone shot that maybe that might mean...I was pregnant.  I know what a crazy thought, but this really isn't that abnormal for an infertile myrtle like me.  I am sure anyone reading along that's been on or is on a similar journey to mine knows exactly what I am talking about.  For some reason, even though you have taken like a hundred pregnancy tests and you know that your cycles are all messed up, whenever you don't have a period you can't put out of your head the thought that...this might be IT!

So Lou's birthday and I am thinking wouldn't it be cool to give him this great GIFT on his birthday.  We talked briefly about it and I bought a pregnancy test.  I came home and took the test.  In the 3 minutes or whatever it was, I was thinking...I'll wrap up the test if it's positive and give it to Lou.  I set the test on the bathroom counter and when I looked down at it...Negative. 

I told Lou that the test was negative and the flood gates opened and I was offically a MESS.  I had a Melt-down.  One of those "Let's just give up" "I don't know why this is happening" "If I could just ask God one question..." Melt-downs.  It was ugly and I feel bad because I had it on Lou's birthday.  Lou of course was my usual sweet, rock of a husband.  He said, "What if we concentrate on getting healthy?" when I said I wanted to quit.  He said, "Tell me all about IVF." when I started jumping ahead of ourselves. He even went adoption with me when that topic came up.  And in the end I couldn't quit.  We agreed to keep taking Dr. Swanson's advice as long as he was giving it...or until I turned 35 (I'm 30 now).  I don't want to keep this up forever and we determined 35 a reasonable age to quit trying...if that is where we still are.  And of course as we get closer to 35 we'll have to evaluate our progress and our options and make whatever decisions are right for us when we get there.  So really it was truly just a Melt-down...No big decisions...I didn't really want that...I just wanted to have my pity party...and that's exactly what it was. 

Sorry Babe, for having my own party on your birthday...that wasn't very fair.  I love you.  I love that you want to be on this crazy journey with me.  I am glad that we have been holding hands through everything we've been through...and it's been a lot.  I feel like we are getting closer and closer through it all and my love for you keeps getting stronger and stronger.  You are my very best friend and I could not be doing this journey with anyone but YOU. 

XOXOXOX