The Green-Eyed Baby Monster

Jealousy. We’re not supposed to admit to feeling it. It’s not “nice.” But the truth is, everyone feels jealous, and when you’re having problems conceiving, that jealousy can strike every time someone you know has "baby news" to share.

I am dealing with jealous feelings right now...Badly.

And the worst part...I feel terrible about feeling this way.


I missed a baby shower this past weekend because I felt too jealous to go. I tried to tell myself there were other things going on in my life that were keeping me from going, but truthfully...my jealousy was the big reason. 

Wow...I can't believe I am really admitting this, but in a way it feels good to have it out.

It's not that I don't feel happy for the couple. They too went through some struggles to get where they are now...I really am happy for them.

I just wasn't ready to meet their little one.  You see their baby was born already and I knew he would be attending the shower.  I definitely want to meet him...I've seen pictures of him and he is adorable. I just didn't feel ready...Not at such a big event. 

I was worried that I might not be able to keep my emotions in. And this day was not about me...I was not about to burst into tears and ruin someone else's exciting event. 

Sometimes I feel like everywhere I turn I am being reminded...baby showers, baby talk, baby pictures, growing bellies.

How do I deal with jealousy? I feel guilty about feeling jealous. Last night I had a dream that I was trying to explain why I didn't attend the shower and I woke realizing that I am beating myself up emotionally over this whole thing.

I have heard it said before: Allow yourself time to mourn.

I don't need to mourn...Do I? Mourn the absence of my own pregnancy? Mourn the loss of my one and only (ectopic) pregnancy?

I am sure this sounds ridiculous to someone who hasn't dealt with infertility. Why can't you just be happy for the people around you that are experiencing such an incredible joy? You're being rude for not showing support. It's selfish to feel jealous. 

I keep telling myself all of these things...I keep telling myself, "They may not go to my shower (if I ever have one), if I don't go to their's."

You know what?...I can't feel guilty for not participating in every baby ritual...Especially if it makes me feel uncomfortable. Better to skip the baby shower and do something for myself than go, feel miserable, and make someone else feel uncomfortable too.

I wish I hadn't been too embarrassed to explain my jealousy ahead of time. 
I know it's natural and to be expected in these cases, but I do not feel proud of myself for letting this feeling truly take over me.

Anyone else out there dealing or dealt with this?...Any advice?