Our Journey...well up until now...Part 4

The next day was Tuesday, June 2nd. Sometime in the middle of the night I decided that as of right now...I was pregnant. I couldn't give up hope on this baby that was growing inside me. I had to be strong and believe in this baby.

I decided to stay home from work Tuesday...I think I thought that if I just stayed in bed and didn't do to much I could somehow make everything okay in there.  I kind of put myself on "bed rest." All day I stayed in bed.  I got a lot of sleep and spent very little time up and about. 

My best friend, who I call for anything pregnant related (she's had three kids, and knows a lot) called me to see how I was doing.  The last time I had talked to her I was hysterical on my way home the day before after I had received the news about my Beta results, and she was worried about me.  We talked and I told her that I was resting today, trying to stay positive and...oh by the way...I have this pain in my right side.

Uh oh!  Luna knew that the pain in my right side was not a good sign.  I told her it kind of felt like I had run the mile and had that side stitch feeling.  I tried to down play it.  Luna said, "I'm not trying to scare you but..." I hostely can't remember the rest, but I know I was scared.

I didn't call the doctor right away.  I wanted it to not be true...what she had said.  I wanted the pain to subside and I wanted everything to be okay.  About noon...or just before I remember thinking that I should call the doctor before lunch so that they had plenty of time to call me back.

I called.  Left my message for Patty or Dr. S. and waited.

Patty called bak and I told her about my pain in my side.  She asked me a lot of questions and told me that I should take Tylenol.  I followed her orders and tried my best not to think the worst.  By about 4:00 that day I wasn't feeling much better.  Patty called me to see how I was feeling and I told her that I wasn't better, but I didn't feel worse.  She sent me for some lab work and told me that if the pain got worse during the night to call the doctor right away.

That evening Lou came home from work and I told him what was going on.  We tried to keep a positive outlook, but I think we were both worried.  We got into bed that night around 9:00 and as I lay there I thought...If I still feel like this tomorrow I am going into the doctor.  I also thought...Lou won't be with me because he'll be at work.  Something in me said, "Call the doctor tonight."

I leaned over and picked up my cell phone.  I called Dr. Swanson and talked to the exchange.  He called me back right away.  I told him what I was feeling and after a minute he said that we should go to the Emergency Room.  He told us to go to Saint Agnes Hospital and that he wanted to ER doctor to call him after he checked me out. 

Lou's mom came over to be with Jackson (he was already asleep), and we left for the hospital.  We arrived and I started to feel scared.  We had to wait a long time (which was not a surprise).  Dr. Claypool was our doctor in the ER and I remember thinking he was very good.  He ordered some lab work and sent me for an ultrasound.

Lou couldn't go with me in the ultrasound and that was hard for both of us.  The ultrasound took a long time.  I was shaking during most of it....I was scared.  The room was dark and he lady that did the ultrasound didn't say much.  When she was done she looked at me and said, "I can't really say I saw anything."

I got dressed and someone escorted me out to Lou in the waiting room.  I started to cry while we waited and I think I knew that something was wrong.  It started to feel more and more real...like this was not a healthy pregnancy.  It took a long time, but someone finaly called us back to hear the results of the ultrasound and lab work.  They walked us past all the consultation areas and led us into a room.  The nurse handed me a gown and told us that Dr. Claypool was talking to Dr. Swanson on the phone and he would be in shortly. 

Lou started to cry and I tried to hold it together.  A nurse came in to start an IV and I knew I was not going home for a while.  It was one o'clock in the morning.  I hadn't been up that late in a long time, but I didn't feel tired.  I was starting to shake again. 

Dr. Claypool came in and told us that he had talked to Dr. Swanson and he would be coming to perform surgery...I had an ectopic pregnancy.  Lou cried, and I remember saying it's okay. I don't know why I said, "It's okay." It wasn't even a little bit okay.  Dr. Claypool left and a nurse came in to start a second IV.  I started to cry and shake...I was cold.  As soon as things started to sink in we had questions...was the doctor coming right now to do surgery?...was this surgery dangerous?...all these questions were flooding in and the nurse did not have the answers.  We asked Dr. Claypool to come back. 

He could see that we were both crying and knew that it was sinking in for both of us now.  Lou asked him if I was having surgery right away and he said no.  The doctor would come in the morning.  He said that sometimes they just give medication, but because of the size of the pregnancy it would need to be surgically removed.  He said that the surgery itself was fairly routine, and that Dr. Swanson probably performed them pretty regularly.  He said the surgery was not risky...what is more risky is the ectopic pregnancy not being removed right away.  It could rupture and I could die.  He told us that our doctor had an excellent reputation and that I was in very good hands.

Lou and I were left alone and we cried and held each other.  We had tried so hard for this...been through a lot...and just when we were so excited...it was gone.

I told Lou to call my boss and leave a voice message at work for her.  Don't tell her all the details right now...Just tell her I'm in the hospital and going in for surgery and we'll explain the rest later.  She didn't know I was pregnant. Next I told Lou to call my mom.  It was almost two o'clock in the morning, but I wanted her to know.  I told Lou to go home and get Jackson up in the morning for school.  I would be okay and he could come back after Jackson went to school.

My mom came to be with me and Lou went home.  I know it was hard for him to leave me, but I didn't want things to be weird for Jackson the next day.  My mom and I talked a long time and finally around four o'clock in the morning someone came to talk me to a room in the hospital.  I was wheeled on a bed for a long time before we got there.  On our way we heard the nursery song playing overhead...a baby had been born.  I kind of felt numb.

Once I got to my room I was tired.  My nurse came in right away and started asking me a bunch of questions. I don't remember all of them...How was I doing with all of this? Did I need to see a counselor? Did I want someone to pray with me? Was I religous? Who did I want my doctor to talk to about my medical condition besides me? It was a lot to take...

She was finally finished about 4:30am.  She said I could have morphine for the pain.  I knew that Dr. Swanson would come in just a few hours and I was afraid that I would be too groggy if I took pain medication...I wanted to be awake and alert when he came to tell me what was going to happen.  I decided against the medication. I was in pain, but I could stand it.

My mom was still with me and she advised me to get some sleep.  I was tired...exhausted actually.  I remember laying in that hospital bed trying to fall asleep...I closed my eyes and thought, "this is my last night pregnant." I think I got about an hour of sleep.  I wasn't comfortable, I was scared.

At 7:00am Dr. Swanson came into my room.  He sat on my bed and put his hand on my tummy.  He asked me how the pain was and how I was feeling.  He told me exactly what he was going to do.  He was confident that he could salvage my right tube, but that we would want to try to get pregnant from the left side when we tried again.  I was concerned because the right side is so stimulated by the Clomid.  I remember Dr. S. saying, "Don't worry...we can get the left side working." He asked how I felt emotionally.  I don't remember what I said.

He left to go do another surgery and to see what time we could do my surgery.  About 8:00 Lou came in.  I told him what doctor had said and made a few calls to friends and family...Luna, my boss, Stephanie at work. My mom called my grandma and my sister and I had a few people I wanted Lou to call...My dad and Adrienne (my other best friend).

It wasn't long before someone came to take me for surgery. I got prepped and singed a bunch of paperwork.  Lou and my mom were let back in...we were moved to the surgery side of the hospital.  My sister arrived and she came back to see me too.  Dr. Swanson came in and told us a little more about the procedure.  Lou got to talk to him too and I felt very comfortable.  I trusted Dr. S. completely.  A few minutes later I was wheeled back to the O.R.

I remember saying I was a little nervous and that is all I remember.

I woke up from surgery to a nurse asking me, "on a scale of one to ten how bad is your pain?" I think I said a six and she came with medication.  I remember stopping her.  I asked if I was going home or staying in the hospital.  She said that I was able to go home if I wanted to and so I told her not to give me any medication.  She said that my pain had to be under 5 to refuse medication...I lied and said it was a four.  I didn't want medication right away if I was going home.  I was still groggy from the surgery and I just wanted to be able to walk...get in the car, get out, get in my bed without feeling like a total zombie.  I would take medication at home.

Lou and my mom came in shortly after I woke from surgery.  I got dressed, got a list of things to do and not to do, got a prescription for pain medication, and went on my way.  My mom went to the pharmacy for me.  I went right home.  I climbed into bed and slept.

My phone kept ringing and I remember answering most of the calls.  I have no idea who I talked to or what I said.  My mom brought medication and Jamba Juice.  My brother brought dinner later that evening.  I was kind of in a fog most of the afternoon and eveing.  I hadn't had much sleep.  I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep long.

That night I remember going to bed pretty early.  As Lou and I got into bed we were both crying.  I felt totally empty.  We hugged and cried until we felt alseep.

To be continued...