Ramblings

I'll call this post "Ramblings" because I know that is precisely what I will do....Ramble.  So let the rambling begin...

It came tonight...my melt-down.  It seems every month lately I have a melt-down just before my period starts.  Tonight's melt-down was quite small compared to others, but I have almost no doubt that it was my pre-period melt-down.  I am not surprised if it is...It's getting very close to that time of the month, and even though I have NOT taken a single pregnancy test, I am sure my period will come this month.  In fact there is practically no doubt in my mind that it will. 

***I will post on my Femara Round #2, but not now...I'm Rambling.***

Tonight's melt-down just kind of came out of nowhere and without much prompting.  We had just finished watching "Julie & Julia" and I have to say I connected with that movie very much.  I did not know that Julia Child had struggled with infertility.  The love she had for her husband was beautiful and the passion she had for cooking was inspiring.  A few times throughout the movie I found my mind wondering and thinking that at some time I may want to give up this fight with infertility and put all of my focus and energy into something else.  I do know that my life would still be beautiful and blessed, but I really can't figure out for the life of me why God would not have ME be a mother. 

I am not trying to say that I would just be amazing at it or anything...I know I would struggle, but the longing and desire I have is indescribable.  I just don't know why it is easy for some women and the women who really...I mean REALLY want to become pregnant have such a hard time sometimes.

Anyway, the movie was great...I connected with Julie also.  In the movie she turns 30 and mentions that she struggled with turning 30...I also just turned 30 and really had such a hard time approaching that age.  I had built up this timeline and the thought of pushing back everything (mainly motherhood) was so hard for me.  When I actually turned 30 I have to say it was easy and truthfully I don't feel all that different. 

Julie had such a dedication to her blog.  I was very inspired to write more.  I don't have her same ambitions to become a writer, but feel compelled to share my struggles and journey with others going through this horrble thing called infertility. 

I told you I was going to ramble...So here goes a little more....

I am finding myself a little more open to adoption lately. Something I always thought was not for me.  Something I always said I wouldn't do.  I find as my struggle with infertility grows my mind becomes more open to other opportunities.  We are in no way looking into it at this point, but I used to hate it when anyone brought it up or suggested it and for some reason lately...I find my own thoughts going there. Sometimes I wonder if this is my Why.  I have asked God daily (sometimes more than once) to tell me Why.  Why is this happening to me? I have had some ideas and feelings about what He wants me to do with all of this, but I can't truly say I know why...Why me?

Just as I have found myself feeling more open to adoption lately, I have also found myself feeling more ready to move on from this.  I know that might sound crazy to some of you.  It kind of feels and sounds crazt to me.  I asked my friend, Michelle, one day how she quit trying (she and her husband have kind of taken a little vacation from trying to conceive).  For her and her husband it was financial...they were kind of forced to quit trying so that they could save up.  Maybe I know that we are slowly approaching that point too and I am preparing myself, but I find myself feeling more ready to truly take a break. 

There is one crazy aspect...I think I am slightly "addicted." I play this stupid game in my head....Here it goes:

Thought #1: If I start my period...I am not going to take Femara next month (even though I have a prescription for it all ready). 

Thought #2: If I don't take Femara next month I probably won't have a period anymore until I go back to the doctor and he induces one with Progesterone.  So I should take the Femara.

Thought #3: Lou's back is still not well enough...If I keep taking Femara and we DO get pregnant what if he is not well enough by the time a baby comes?

Thought #4: I can really put all of my focus back into my body and getting in shape if I quit taking Femara.  We could save for IVF while I am getting in shape. 

Thought #5: What if I totally miss "my month" to ovulate on the left side?  I have to keep trying. 

I swear to you...this is a sick addiction.  I'm not joking. 

That's it for my ramblings tonight...I WILL post about Femara Cycle #2 soon.  Technically I am still in it.  Good night all.