In-Fertile Myrtle

How Did We Get Here?

2012-01-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

Last week I woke up at 3:00am to pee and I took at pregnancy test at the same time. I bought the digital test and I am glad because I would never have been able to read the plus sign/two line type test at 3:00am. My eyes were all foggy and blurry and I wasn't awake yet. I stayed in the bathroom until the test processed. It was positive and it said PREGNANT

I kept waiting for the NOT to show up in front of it.

I flung the bathroom door open and yelled to Lou. He sat up quickly...I think he thought I was hurt or something. I told him we were pregnant. We sat up in bed and held the test and hugged. I don't think we cried. I was seriously in SHOCK!

We were both so happy that we couldn't go right back to sleep. I sent a quick message to my friend Michelle, who spent 8 years trying for a baby before she and her husband had Katelyn. I said something like...Guess what? I just took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Please think happy thoughts and pray for us. She wrote me back within an hour or so...she must have been up early with Katelyn.

I sat up in bed and told Lou..go get the cheesecake! We had been to Cheesecake Factory for dinner and I brought home a piece of cheesecake for dessert. I never ate it. 4:00am seemed like a perfect time for cheesecake. Lou brought two forks and we ate cake in our bed to celebrate!

I had bought a little newborn baby onesie that said Daddy Loves Me. I had bought it quite a while ago. I was taking a chance buying it, but I remember thinking if we never get pregnant and I end up wasting $7.00 on this...I've wasted more than that before. I kept it in my car hidden for a few months. After I told Lou that we were pregnant I went out to the garage and dug the onesie out of my hiding place. I brought it in and gave it to Lou.

We knew we would wait a little bit to tell people. Not too long, but just long enough for the doctor to tell us that the lab work looked good. My lab work came back really low after our first blood test. I was worried, but trying to stay positive.

Yesterday I had my second blood test and before it even came back I started bleeding pretty heavily and I knew something was wrong. The doctor called about an hour or so after I started bleeding and confirmed that I was having a miscarriage.

I am so sad and so shocked. I really didn't think this would happen to us. How did we get here?

It's been over a year since I posted an entry here. I'm going to try and work backwards to document what's been happening on our journey to now. Right now I am just sad...and hurting. What happened?

Conversations With an Infertile

2010-11-16T22:32:00.000-08:00

This blog post has been writing itself in my head for quite some time. I keep meaning to sit down and let it all out, but life has been busy and at the end of the day...especially lately..all I have wanted to do is veg out in front of the TV...Don't judge.

*Before I go any further...Note: this post is not intended to offend anyone. I am not talking to anyone specific. If you are offended, I'm...Well, Get off my blog. There...If you get offended by anything in this post...Quit Reading!

For quite some time I have been truly amazed at how many people have the nerve/guts/lack of comon sense to say some of the things they say...especially to an infertile woman/couples. Here are some of my favorites...and my sometimes real/sometimes what I want to say responses:

Person: Do you have any kids?

Me: I have a stepson...

Person: Oh, how old is he?

Me: 7

Person: Just one? Do you think you guys will have anymore?

Me: No
*************************

Person: Do you think you guys will have anymore?

Me: Yes
*************************

Person: Do you think you guys will have anymore?

Me: I can't have kids.
**************************

Person: Do you think you guys wil have anymore?

Me: Listen, we've been trying to have kids for over two years now. We've taken fertility drugs, we've seen different doctors, we have suffered a tubal pregnancy...what else do you want to know you nosey bitch?

Seriously...if you don't know the person's situation you really shouldn't be asking if/when someone plans to get pregnant. It's like asking a single girl if she's been on any dates lately.

Next...

Person: You know you can always adopt?

Me: Oh really?...I had no clue.
**************************

Person: You know you can always adopt?

Me: Thanks for the advice.
*************************

Person: You know you can always adopt?

Me: Do you not understand what a total and complete process adoption is? It's not something that we haven't thought of, but I'll be sure to remember you're totally for it when we decide if it's right for us or not.

Gimme a break...really. This is not like switching from regular to diet.

Here are some of my most hated one liners...

* I just hated being pregnant. - Don't ever say that to an infertile.

* If I was pregnant right now I would die.

* Oh, I'm so tired...I wish my baby wouldn't wake up every two/three/etc hours at night.

The other day a lady said to me, "It would be awful if I was pregnant." I said to her, "Oh, that's so sad." She gave me the most puzzled look.

I know in this day and age (wow, do I sound like an old lady or what?) it seems like there are so many groups of people who are so sensitive about something. But truthfully, does nobody think about what they are saying anymore? It really doesn't matter who you are talking to...be careful what you say. Think about what is coming out of your mouth before you say it. You never know what the person next to you is going through.

PS: I am by no means perfect about watching what I say to others...this is a work in progess for me too. But please be a little more sensitive to those others out there like me.

Thank you Baby Jonah!

2010-10-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

I held a baby for the first time in almost 2 years last weekend.

This is such a big deal for someone like me. As much as I always want to hold babies, I'm usually too nervous when the opportunity arises. I am usually afraid that I won't want to give them back. I am afraid that I will look awkward. I am afraid that the baby will start crying while I am holding them, and I won't be able to quiet them down and somehow that might mean that I don't have what it takes to be a mom. Worst of all...I'm afraid that I will start crying and then oh what a scene that will be.

This last weekend I finally held my cousin's baby boy Jonah. He is almost not a baby-baby anymore (sorry Ashly)...he's already one. He is starting to walk, but is just not quite confident enough to go go go yet. He is such a good baby. He has the cutest, sweetest face. Most of all, I just loved holding him.

I feel kind of proud of myself. Thank you Jonah!
Hope I get to hold you again...soon.

From one Myrtle to Another

2010-09-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

Oh goodness...my sweet sweet friend, Michelle, posted such a beautiful poem on her blog that I had to steal it.

I have always enjoyed reading her entries...Her blog has been a blessing to me long before I ever even told her about my struggle with infertility. She has a beautiful way of writing about such a personal experience.

Michelle and Ryan have been trying to conceive for 7 years. They just found out they were pregnant, and not more than a week later the baby stopped growing and they lost their pregnancy. They have been in my thoughts and prayers each and every day.

Michelle, I just love you. I hope you know how sweet it is to have you for my friend. I am thinking of you and praying for you. I am here for you if you need me. I know you have a big support group, but please do not hesitate to call me or email me if you need anything.

It's crazy to me that even during your tough time you are still offering so much support to so many others through your blog. Hope you don't mind I borrowed this poem that you used in one of your recent posts.

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and
cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

I'm back...or am I?

2010-06-30T23:20:00.000-07:00

Wow! I haven't been to this blog in a long time. It almost doesn't seem like mine anymore. I guess that's kind of a good thing. Life has gone in a new direction for me, and while I am not pregnant, I feel very content with my life as a mom.

I think I sort of made a decision at some point that I truly needed a break from all this infertility craziness. I know it wasn't an easy decision to make and that is probably why I say "I sort of made a decision." I remember really wanting to focus on being a good step-mom to Jackson. Even though I loved him dearly, in the back of my head I always felt that he didn't see me as a mom, and I didn't feel like he was MINE.

I wish I was a better writer and could put this in a more beautiful, meaning, post...the way it sounds and feels to me.

I don't even really know what I would say...Something in me has changed.

I didn't think it was possible, but I LOVE Jackson more now than I ever did. I always thought as kids grew up and started back-talking and devloping that dreaded "attitude" that you some how...I don't want to say, loved them less...just felt more exasperated and irritated by them than anything else. But I feel much more love for Jackson...more than ever before. He is such a sweet little person. Such a HUGE part of our family. Our house feels completely empty without him, and I almost can't stand to not have him with us.

Of course there are times when he turns on his new attitude (the one I'm not fond of), and he irritates me, but the truth is...I probably irritate him too from time to time. He's developing his own character, and I really LOVE every part of who he is becoming.

I don't really know how I got here. I remember saying to Lou that I wanted to take a break. I also remember thinking that I wasn't being 100% truthful. I knew it was probably the best thing for me considering how depressed I was becoming, but I was truly addicted to everything fertility/infertility related. I couldn't really stand the thought of not "trying" to get pregnant. I think we stopped trying...stopped seeing our doctor...stopped taking medication partly because we had to. Here's what happened...

My medication wasn't approved by our insurance one month and by the time I got all that worked out it was too late to take it for that cycle. The nurse recommended I see Dr. Swanson and talk to him about what else he could do for us (keep us on the meds, take us off, try something else, etc).

My appointment with Dr. Swanson got cancelled due to him being called out to deliver a baby so I rescheduled. Then I got a new job in the middle of all of this and I didn't want to take off during my first week at a new job, so I cancelled my appointment. Heather from Dr. Swanson's office called to reschedule and when the appointment came...he got called out deliver again.

I never called back to reschedule.

By that point I was knee (or maybe even almost neck) deep in work. I started working for someone who's previous controller really let all the balls fall (I might have made that expression up). I was picking up pieces to a really big mess and I didn't have time to think about fertility.

Somewhere in the mix of all my craziness...I started focusing more of my attention on myself and my family. Somewhere along the way I started feeling perfectly happy having one great kid. This is the party I wish I could explain in a better, more beautiful, way...I just can't really explain how it happened.

I know that Lou and Jackson and I still want to add to our famly, and I am hoping with all of my heart that that happens soon. But I do think I can honestly say that I am happy in my life right now...just the way it is.

Lou and Jackson - I love you both so much. Thank you for all the support you both give me. I couldn't ask for a sweeter husband or son.

Update...or something like that.

2010-04-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

Things in our life have changed...I got a new job and LOVE it. Lou is considering back surgery...not right away, but within the next few years. I think with those two things it is safe to say that I kind of made up my mind to follow my head (and not my heart) and take a break from fertility/baby planning for a while. My new job is great. I like my bosses and everyone I work with. I am busier than ever, but I really do prefer to work that way...busy is definitely better in my opinion. Even though my new boss is completely 100% family oriented, I kind of feel like I need to put in a little time before I start planning to take time off to have a baby.  And with Lou's possible back surgery plans I feel like we need to put his health ahead of any further family planning. Some of the back surgeries require some extensive therapy and recovery and bringing a baby into that mix may not be the best/smartest thing.

Just because I made my mind up does not mean this has been any easier on my heart. Having a new job and a busy life has definetly helped keep my mind occupied, but every now and then the sadness and longing creeps in and I am reminded how much I want to be a mother. Today Lou and I were at Target. I was ordering a drink at Starbucks and a mom and a little boy came up and she was asking him if he wanted anything. He was walking a talking, but still real little and just so sweet.  I was watching them and thinking that I couldn't wait for the day when someone called me mom, and came crying to me when she/he was hurt.

Most days for me are pretty good. I usually don't think about babies and when someone brings up kids or babies I can usually keep it together. I haven't been to the doctor in months. I think I did ovulate on my own last month. I started my period on my own. We'll see what happens with this next cycle and I suppose that if I go more than a month or two without a period I should make an appointment. Right now it feels kind of good to take my mind (and my body) off all of the systems and cycles and just let it be. I will say not having any hormones has been kind of weird. My emotions are a lot more all over the place. I am breaking out like a teenager again and I sometimes just feel like I am coming out of my skin.

I keep telling myself that I am going to buy a book on grieving or see a grievance counselor, but I haven't done either. Right now I want to work on coming back to a place where I just enjoy where I am in my life. I want to feel content with just being Lou's wife. I want to feel happy about being a step-mom to Jackson. I want to like myself as I am and not feel like I am broken/being punished for something/incapable/unfit/not cut out for...

Last week I lost my aunt. I haven't said that outloud...or even written that a whole lot yet. She was a beautiful, funny, sweet, warm, full of life, childless woman.  She was married to an amazing man and their love was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I wish I had been more close to her than I was. I never asked her about her inability to have children or her decision to not adopt. I didn't start to experience my own journey with infertility until after she had been diagnosed with ALS and was fighting with all her strength for her own life. I thought so many times about picking up the phone and asking her to tell me her story, but I felt selfish to do that and I never did. I know that she had made peace with all of that, but oh how I wish I knew how she got to that place.

Some days I feel like I am making progress and finding joy in my life as it is and other days I feel that longing creeping in...Does it ever stop creeping in?

I'm just going to get down to it...

2010-02-27T21:38:00.000-08:00

Well, my second round of Femara didn't work as well as the first round. I did have 1 follicle, but only 1 and...yep...on the right side.

Lou was going in for pain block injections in his back during ovulation week. He was thinking he'd be fine and we could get right down to business as soon as he was done with the shots...So cute and so sweet. Instead, I surged on the day of the injections and the shots were NOTHING like we imagined. In fact he's feeling worse now than he did before he had the shots. So needless to say we didn't really "try" this month, but at the same time I felt like our chances were pretty slim anyway.

So second round of Femara...Nothing.

Over the last two weeks of my last cycle I started to feel very depressed. I was really starting to question my ability to put myself through this month after month. I don't even know how it came or how I came to realize, but all of a sudden I knew I was falling apart. I really couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to see anyone, call anyone, go anywhere. For the first time in a long time I felt horribly depressed.

I went back and forth on this next cycle and if I would continue the do the Femara. Jane said the last time I saw her that Dr. Swanson would only probably let me do one or two more cycles before he referred me out to someone else. I think the thought of that made me really sad and I thought if I stopped everything I could somehow control this journey. Like controlling it myself made any of it more easy???

Anyway, I finally decided to do the 3rd cycle. So when Aunto Flo came I knew I needed to get my prescription filled. The thrid day of my cycle was on a Saturday. I waited until the last minute to go to the pharmacy and when I did it was just an hour before closing. I waited at the counter and the girl working the register said that my prescription had been declined. Our insurance is really weird...It will only pay for a medication (most medications) two times before it identifies it as a "maintenance" drug and requires the doctor to dispense it in a 90 or 100 day supply. In the past my Clomid had been approved to dispense on a monthly basis because of the nature of the treatment and we never had any problem. Well, Femara is not on the "approved" list of fertility drugs (to be dispensed monthly) so the "system" would not clear it. AND...it was Saturday at 5:30pm. Cash pay for 10 pills...$158. I was not prepared to pay for that.

I started crying in the pharmacy. I called Dr. Swanson...not on call. I called the insuracne company...no one to override the hold until Monday. I tried taking it to a different pharmacy...Nothing. I felt like I had sabotaged this whole month.

All I could do was wait until Monday.

Monday morning I started calling our insurance company and gafter about four calls got someone who understood what I was asking. By that afternoon our benefit coordinator had said she could override it on a monthly basis if it was only going to be a few more months. I called Dr. Swanson's office (since now I was day 5 of my cycle) to see if I could still take the Femara this month. He called me at about 5:30pm and I told him the situation. He was so sorry that I had had that happen, but also said that I could not start the Femara after day 4.

So here I sit. I'm on a break...and truthfully I don't know if I want this break to end...at least for a while. I go back and forth every day...and sometimes two and three times a day my mind changes about what I want to do with this journey. I still have an appointment to see Dr. Swanson (to "talk") on the 15th on March. I am concerned that I might get a cycst and/or that I won't get a period. I will most likely keep my appointment just so we can talk about that. I know that I do not want to go on birth control for any length of time even if that means I won't get a cyst and my periods will be regulated.

That's it for now...I'm done. I got nothing else.

Coming Soon

2010-02-22T22:31:00.000-08:00

There is a lot to blog about...it's coming soon. I promise. I am totally exhausted tonight...I can't make anything make sense right now, but it will come soon enough. It's nothing too exciting so don't all get thinking crazy.

Love and Baby Dust to all.

That's right I said Baby Dust...in the baby making world "Baby Dust" is totally normal....Especially at the end of a post.

Good Night.

Ramblings

2010-02-13T22:45:00.000-08:00

I'll call this post "Ramblings" because I know that is precisely what I will do....Ramble. So let the rambling begin...

It came tonight...my melt-down. It seems every month lately I have a melt-down just before my period starts. Tonight's melt-down was quite small compared to others, but I have almost no doubt that it was my pre-period melt-down. I am not surprised if it is...It's getting very close to that time of the month, and even though I have NOT taken a single pregnancy test, I am sure my period will come this month. In fact there is practically no doubt in my mind that it will.

***I will post on my Femara Round #2, but not now...I'm Rambling.***

Tonight's melt-down just kind of came out of nowhere and without much prompting. We had just finished watching "Julie & Julia" and I have to say I connected with that movie very much. I did not know that Julia Child had struggled with infertility. The love she had for her husband was beautiful and the passion she had for cooking was inspiring. A few times throughout the movie I found my mind wondering and thinking that at some time I may want to give up this fight with infertility and put all of my focus and energy into something else. I do know that my life would still be beautiful and blessed, but I really can't figure out for the life of me why God would not have ME be a mother.

I am not trying to say that I would just be amazing at it or anything...I know I would struggle, but the longing and desire I have is indescribable. I just don't know why it is easy for some women and the women who really...I mean REALLY want to become pregnant have such a hard time sometimes.

Anyway, the movie was great...I connected with Julie also. In the movie she turns 30 and mentions that she struggled with turning 30...I also just turned 30 and really had such a hard time approaching that age. I had built up this timeline and the thought of pushing back everything (mainly motherhood) was so hard for me. When I actually turned 30 I have to say it was easy and truthfully I don't feel all that different.

Julie had such a dedication to her blog. I was very inspired to write more. I don't have her same ambitions to become a writer, but feel compelled to share my struggles and journey with others going through this horrble thing called infertility.

I told you I was going to ramble...So here goes a little more....

I am finding myself a little more open to adoption lately. Something I always thought was not for me. Something I always said I wouldn't do. I find as my struggle with infertility grows my mind becomes more open to other opportunities. We are in no way looking into it at this point, but I used to hate it when anyone brought it up or suggested it and for some reason lately...I find my own thoughts going there. Sometimes I wonder if this is my Why. I have asked God daily (sometimes more than once) to tell me Why. Why is this happening to me? I have had some ideas and feelings about what He wants me to do with all of this, but I can't truly say I know why...Why me?

Just as I have found myself feeling more open to adoption lately, I have also found myself feeling more ready to move on from this. I know that might sound crazy to some of you. It kind of feels and sounds crazt to me. I asked my friend, Michelle, one day how she quit trying (she and her husband have kind of taken a little vacation from trying to conceive). For her and her husband it was financial...they were kind of forced to quit trying so that they could save up. Maybe I know that we are slowly approaching that point too and I am preparing myself, but I find myself feeling more ready to truly take a break.

There is one crazy aspect...I think I am slightly "addicted." I play this stupid game in my head....Here it goes:

Thought #1: If I start my period...I am not going to take Femara next month (even though I have a prescription for it all ready).

Thought #2: If I don't take Femara next month I probably won't have a period anymore until I go back to the doctor and he induces one with Progesterone. So I should take the Femara.

Thought #3: Lou's back is still not well enough...If I keep taking Femara and we DO get pregnant what if he is not well enough by the time a baby comes?

Thought #4: I can really put all of my focus back into my body and getting in shape if I quit taking Femara. We could save for IVF while I am getting in shape.

Thought #5: What if I totally miss "my month" to ovulate on the left side? I have to keep trying.

I swear to you...this is a sick addiction. I'm not joking.

That's it for my ramblings tonight...I WILL post about Femara Cycle #2 soon. Technically I am still in it. Good night all.

What Might Have Been

2010-01-31T19:08:00.000-08:00

Nine months ago I was pregnant. I remember calling my sister to tell her that we were going to have a February baby. She was especially excited because my baby and my sister might have shared birthdays.

Brit's birthday is tomorrow, but I won't be having a baby anytime soon.

I can't help but think about how different our life would be right now. In a way it would probably be more hectic and complicated, but oh how different and exciting it would be.

For a long time after my tubal pregnancy I didn't really know what to think of everything that had happened. I didn't know if I was supposed to feel like that pregancy, that embryo, that baby was already a part of our family...I didn't even know what you called it at that stage.

I do know that it was part Lou and part me and I absolutely loved everything about it. I have often thought back to that special time of my life and smiled so big just remembering how happy I was. When the test read "Pregnant" I cried happy tears in the bathroom stall at work. And when the nurse called to tell me that I was definitely pregnant I smiled so big. Telling my family and friends was so wonderful.

I don't know if I will have that experience again. I definitely hope that I am able to have that again someday. Sometimes I think about naming that little bean just so that I never forget how happy she made me feel, but then I think that sounds ridiculous and I just push the thought out.

Name or no name I will always have a special place in my heart for that first pregnancy, that beautiful happiness that I felt.

Infertiles Unite

2010-01-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely lunch with my friend Michelle on Friday. We definitely do not do it enough. She has her own infertility story and I have found comfort in her blog (even before I started my own). We both were on our lunch breaks so we were kind of limited on time, but we had a great lunch and great conversation anyway. Our conversation was ALL infertility. It is nice to get together with someone who can completely understand ALL of your emotions and feelings about the subject. Our visit was not full of sadness in the least...it was just nice to catch up and encourage each other in our journeys. Thanks Michelle for lunch...we need to do it more often.

Well...

2010-01-24T11:16:00.000-08:00

I started my period last week. I had tested for pregnancy for about 4-5 days leading up to my period starting. I was just sure that our possibility was high...even after Jane said, "Pregnancy is most likely not going to be the outcome this month." I don't know why I talk things up so much in my head sometimes, but that's just what I do.

Well, I started my period last week and I called Dr. Swasnson's office right away. I got Heather on the first try and she booked me for that afternoon. I went in for my baseline scan. Basically they just wanted to make sure that all of those follicles were gone and none of them turned into cysts. We got lucky...they were all gone and we were given the green light to start Femara again this cycle. I started Femara on Thursday last week and have two more doses to take.

I feel a little more moody this cycle for some reason. I don't think I usually get really moody/PMS-y around my period, but I feel a little bit that way this time. I don't know why. I have sufferred a headache for the last two days now. I can't really seem to get rid of it totally. I don't know if that is a side effect of the medication or just something else going on (maybe sinus related).

I go back to Dr. Swanson for an ultrasound on February 1st to see if/how many follicles I have and what side they are on. I am fairly confidant the outcome will be the same as last month...although I am hoping for the left side to get it's turn this month.

We'll see...

A Family Like Marley & Me

2010-01-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

I have not seen Marley and Me...mainly because Jackson saw it and told me Marley dies in the end...yeah I'm not watching it. *Sorry if I ruined it for anyone...Opps!

So our sweet 6 year old saw Marley and Me with his mom and one evening while I was doing the dishes and he was sitting at the dinner table eating dessert we had this talk:

J: I wish we had a family like Marley and Me

S: What kind of a family do they have in Marley and Me?

J: Oh you know a mom and dad and two brothers and a sister

S: And a big slobbery dog?

J: No just our two dogs would be fine...but the mom is at home and when the dad gets home from work the boys play football in the front yard.

S: You know that dad and I are trying to have a baby, right?

J: Yes. You know I don't really care if it's a brother or a sister. I know I said before that I wanted it to be a brother, but I would be fine with a sister.

S: I have been seeing a doctor that is helping us to get pregnant. My body has had a little trouble getting pregnant. (After I said this I was praying that the "how do you get pregnant" question was not next)

J: Was it sad when you found out that time that you were pregnant and then the doctor told you that you were not pregnant?

*We had told Jackson that the doctor made a mistake after our ectopic pregnancy. We knew he would not understand what had happend.

S: It was not sad when the doctor told me that I was pregnant, but when I wasn't pregnant anymore that was very sad for me.

J: I'm glad we had this talk.

I just love him! He is probably the sweetest little person I have ever known. He has a huge heart for a being only 6.

Femara - Cycle 1

2010-01-06T22:31:00.000-08:00

Well I went to Dr. Swanson's office on Monday (of last week)...Sorry this post took a while to get up.

I was kind of feeling like the appointment went bad initially and typically don't like writing about the bad stuff. I think I have since changed my mind, but here it is:

Lou went with me to have my ovaries scanned for eggs on Monday (the 28th). We saw Jane. We got right down to business and before I knew it we were looking at the ultrasound on the screen. We saw 3 follicle on the right side and a few (really small) polycystic type follies on the left.

Jane did say the right side was dfinitely my dominant ovary this cycle and that pregnancy would most likely not be the outcome this month. That made me sad. She asked if I had talked to Dr. Swanson about our "next step." I told her we had, but that we were not ready for IVF just yet. She said that she is not giving up and we will try again next cycle.

If the ovaries alternate the way they should from cycle to cycle then next cycle could be all about the left. She told me that I could test for ovulation still and it really wouldn't hurt to have intercourse (sorry if that is TMI for anyone,but it's how we make a baby...right?). She did mention that we couldn't see all of the left ovary with the scan, but from what we could see it didn't appear to have any real ovulatory activity. And then she said....(Here's the answer to my question)...that there is a "less than 5% chance" that the follicle on the right side could get picked up by the left tube. I made her repeat it and Lou heard.

Once I heard this my brain went like this:

3 Follicles x 3-4% chance of making it to the left tube and implanting in my uterus = 9-12% chance of getting pregnant this month.

That's more than we had on the Clomid (according to Dr. Synn we had about 8% chance of conceiving with the Clomid).

Now I don't know if the math is right...I didn't want to ask, but after a few days of mulling it over I was sure going to be test for ovulation.

So I got some dip stick ovulation tests...I really like them too by the way...and started peeing in a cup a couple times a day for the next few days. About three days into my testing I started experiencing a lot of pain on the right side (probably because 3 follicles at about 20mm each make up a small cyst size). I stuck it out. I still hadn't surged by New Years and I was starting to get really discouraged. I think I even had another (mini) melt-down.

Anyway, I think on the 2nd I got my surge! One thing Jane did mention is that all 3 follicles may not release at the same time or at all...So this surge could have been 1 or 2 or 3 or more for all I know. However, I have not stopped surging. There is no doubt in my mind that these are definitely +++++positive tests. I called Jane today and actually talkd to Barbara and she said that I could be surging with each release and they may be a day apart. So guess what?...I'll spare you the details...but we have been "trying" everyday almost and I am crossing my fingers and my toes that just one of those follies can make it into the left tube.

The pain in mostly gone on the right side so I know for sure 1 or 2 have released. If we have a negative pregnancy test at the end of this cycle at least we can't say we didn't try. We'll be testing in 10 days to 2 weeks.

I definitely like the way the Femara worked. I never had more than one follicle when I took Clomid. Now lets just get them over to that left side...

Mine All Mine

2010-01-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

Back in December I was lying in bed one evening and Lou and I found a show on CMT called Meet The Wilsons It is a reality show (what else would you expect me to be watching...I love reality shows). Lou wasn't really watching it, but I got hooked and watched about 4 or 5 episodes in a row. The Wilsons are from Canada, living in Nashville and chasing a record deal. They have 2 boys and (during the show) were in the middle of adopting a baby girl. They had previously had a failed adoption (the birth mom changed her mind) and they (since they're singers) wrote this song about the adoption. I follow Kortney Wilson on twitter and wrote and told her that I loved this song and if I change the words around in my head a little it totally fits our infertility stuggle. She wrote back right away and said "...it absolutely fits my sweet girl and good luck with your future plans." You can listen to the song here, but here are the lyrics:

Mine All Mine

When you're mine all mine I'll hold you Baby
I won't ever let you go.

We haven't met, but I know you're out there waiting for me.
And someday, somewhere I'll see your sweet face.
I'm not giving up; I know it'll happen when it's meant to be.
And all I've got to do is have some faith.

'Cause when you're mine all mine I'll hold you Baby
I won't ever let you go.
When the long hard search is over Baby,
I will love you heart and soul
'Til the end of time
When you're mine all mine.

I'll be your strength.
I'll be your shelter.
I'll keep you safe.

You'll light up my whole world with just your smile
And you'll make me melt
You'll make the world stop when you say my name
You'll make every tear I cried worth while

'Cause when you're mine all mine I'll hold you Baby

I won't ever let you go.
When the long hard search is over Baby,
I will love you heart and soul
'Til the end of time
When you're mine all mine.

I don't care if I call you my daughter or call you my son.
I don't care how you come to me Baby as long as you come.

'Cause when you're mine all mine I'll hold you Baby

I won't ever let you go.
When the long hard search is over Baby,
I'll be there to watch you grow.

When you're mine all mine I'll hold you Baby

I won't ever let you go.
When the long hard search is over Baby,
I will love you heart and soul

'Til the end of time
When you're mine all mine.

I'll be there 'til the end of time
Baby mine all mine, Baby mine all mine.

*******************************************
Music has been bringing me comfort lately and I find this song so sweet.

Update...it's a small one

2009-12-27T21:22:00.000-08:00

Hopefully I have more to write about after tomorrow...I am on Cycle Day 12 and I have been doing Ovulation Predictor Tests for 4 days now.So far they are all negative. I got a little discouraged today, but reminded myself that I should be getting a negative if I plan to see any follicles on the ultrasound tomorrow. I had a little bit of pain on the right side after I stopped taking the Femara and was afraid I might be getting a cyst, but the pain has gone away and I feel quite comfortable.

We bought Jackson a Wii for Christmas and I have started playing Wii Sports. I did boxing and tennis today for almost 40 minutes. It felt good to exercise and work up a little sweat. I am hoping I keep doing it...So far it's still fun. Normally exercise is NOT fun for me.

That's all I've got right now...

Oh Happy Day

2009-12-21T21:50:00.000-08:00

Well, just about the time I was about to call the doctor's office because I still hadn't started my period...I started! Doesn't it always work out that way? Exactly 14 days after I got the shot...I started my period. I was actually pretty happy. I had to laugh because I was expecting it any day after my melt-down. If fact after my melt down Lou and I kind of joked that all this crying probably meant I was going to start my period the next day. Well, it wasn't the next day, but it came soon after.

Ever since I was young I usually had a cry-fest the night before my period came. Lou has become quite used to long emotional talks (where I don't make any sense I am so emotional) and the next day I call him or text him and say something like, "Sorry for last night...I started my period." So sure enough...that's what was really fuelling my melt-down.

Anyway, I started and I was actually happy. This meant we were back on track and only a few days away from starting the Femara. I started the Femara this last Friday and I have had no weird side effects. I feel great actually. I have taken it for 4 days now...tomorrow is my last day. We'll see Monday the 28th (CD13) if we have any good follicles...On the LEFT side.

I am thinking I will start testing for ovulation on Wednesday this week (CD8). I know it is a little early, but I don't want to miss it...I've been known to ovulate on CD12.

Anyway, I am feeling pretty good right now. My spirits are up and I am hopeful that this will work.

Just putting this question out there...

Does anyone reading this know (maybe it's happened to you or you've researched it) if I ovulate on the Right side and by some miracle the egg gets fertilized can it go into the Left tube and make it to my uterus? Is that crazy of me to ask? Dr. Swanson made brief mention of (I think) something like this...Something like "the Left tube could pick it up..." I don't know why I wasn't paying close attention...It may have been one of those days where I was bombarded with info. I don't know. Anyway, if you know can you email me or comment or at least leave me a link of an article or something?

Thanks!

Melt-down

2009-12-18T22:36:00.000-08:00

This last Sunday was Lou's birthday. He turned 40! I wanted it to be special for him...I thought of many different presents that I could give him. I really was hoping that since I (still) hadn't started my period after the progesterone shot that maybe that might mean...I was pregnant. I know what a crazy thought, but this really isn't that abnormal for an infertile myrtle like me. I am sure anyone reading along that's been on or is on a similar journey to mine knows exactly what I am talking about. For some reason, even though you have taken like a hundred pregnancy tests and you know that your cycles are all messed up, whenever you don't have a period you can't put out of your head the thought that...this might be IT!

So Lou's birthday and I am thinking wouldn't it be cool to give him this great GIFT on his birthday. We talked briefly about it and I bought a pregnancy test. I came home and took the test. In the 3 minutes or whatever it was, I was thinking...I'll wrap up the test if it's positive and give it to Lou. I set the test on the bathroom counter and when I looked down at it...Negative.

I told Lou that the test was negative and the flood gates opened and I was offically a MESS. I had a Melt-down. One of those "Let's just give up" "I don't know why this is happening" "If I could just ask God one question..." Melt-downs. It was ugly and I feel bad because I had it on Lou's birthday. Lou of course was my usual sweet, rock of a husband. He said, "What if we concentrate on getting healthy?" when I said I wanted to quit. He said, "Tell me all about IVF." when I started jumping ahead of ourselves. He even went adoption with me when that topic came up. And in the end I couldn't quit. We agreed to keep taking Dr. Swanson's advice as long as he was giving it...or until I turned 35 (I'm 30 now). I don't want to keep this up forever and we determined 35 a reasonable age to quit trying...if that is where we still are. And of course as we get closer to 35 we'll have to evaluate our progress and our options and make whatever decisions are right for us when we get there. So really it was truly just a Melt-down...No big decisions...I didn't really want that...I just wanted to have my pity party...and that's exactly what it was.

Sorry Babe, for having my own party on your birthday...that wasn't very fair. I love you. I love that you want to be on this crazy journey with me. I am glad that we have been holding hands through everything we've been through...and it's been a lot. I feel like we are getting closer and closer through it all and my love for you keeps getting stronger and stronger. You are my very best friend and I could not be doing this journey with anyone but YOU.

XOXOXOX

Update! Update!

2009-12-09T21:41:00.000-08:00

Okay...sorry it took so long to get this post up...I went to see Dr. Swanson last Monday. Basically he said that since my right tube has scarred itself shut I cannot get pregnant from that right side...and we now know that I won't have another ectopic pregnancy (on the right side). He was really worried about that happening again. He had said before that he didn't feel comfortable stimulating with fertility drugs as long as there was a chance I'd have another ectopic pregnancy...I guess I was at a pretty high risk.

So now...since the right side is closed he said we can stimulate with fertility drugs and see if we can get that Left ovary producing eggs. As of now...we haven't seen a single egg on the left side (we've been scanning for a year). While I am taking the fertility medication I will most likely develope follicles on the right, but they will more than likely just be wasting their time...We want follies on the left!

So Monday (last week) was day 31 of my cycle. No ovulation occured (that I could tell anyway) during this cycle so I was pretty sure I wouldn't start my period on my own. Dr. Swanson gave the okay for a progesterone injection for CD 33 (Wednesday) if Aunt Flo did not show up. He wrote a prescription for Femara 2 tablets daily for 5 days starting on CD 3 of my next cycle.

**Note: I know Femara is not prescribed by a lot of fertility doctors and I am aware that it is a breast cancer drug. I know there are warnings about using Femara if you are or become pregnant. I have read all of the precautions and completely TRUST my doctor.

I asked Dr. Swanson if I will get a cyst on the right side when I use the Femara and he said, "You might." He also said it wasn't dangerous to have a cyst (this "functional" kind anyway) and that unless it was bothersome (meaning: painful) to me then we could kind of ignore it for about a month to see if the left side is responding to the Femara. I figure I can tough it out a month if I do get a cyst (they have both been painful for me) and see how things go. Dr. Swanson said if I get pregnant the cyst will go away! And not come back...until after I have a baby and then it only might come back.

Anyway, I felt pretty good about trying this. Dr. Swanson said, "The other thing to do is nothing, and we know what happens when we do nothing...Nothing!" Very true.

On Wednesday no period so when I went in for my pap (I had my annual scheduled that day) I mentioned to Barbara (my favorite nurse practitioner) that Dr. S had said I could have a shot of progesterone if I hadn't started my period. I had a pregnancy test...negative...a pap smear...all fine...an ultrasound just to make sure I didn't have another cyst...NO cyst...and a shot in the butt of progesterone to induce a period. Barbara said the shot hurt so I was really worried, but the shot itself did not hurt...the burning and tenderness afterward was the worst part (for me anyway). I asked her how long it would be until I started my period and she thought I'd probably start by Saturday or so. I left and was excited to get going on this next cycle.

I went and filled my Femara prescription so that I was ready. The pharmacist went over the medication with me and mentioned that she never sees doctor's prescribe Femara for fertility, but then she said, "...but he's the best, I wouldn't question it." She asked about injections and if I had tried that. She asked about Clomid and asked if I had tried that. I gave her the short story of my fertility life and left with my 10 very expensive pills.

So today (tonight) is Wednesday...a week later. No period yet. It's technically CD 40...but I'm not couting anymore. I called Dr. Swanson today to ask if I should be worried and Nurse Patty said it could sometimes take 2 WEEKS! I got the shot because I thought I would start faster than if I took the Provera (pills). I asked Patty what I should do if I don't start...she said to take a pregnancy test and call her NEXT Wednesday if I still don't start.

So that's where I'm at now. Waiting for Aunt Flo....

I'll keep updated more frequently...our life is starting to settle back down. I haven't written about too many family issues (unrelated to fertility) on here, but we've been going through a lot lately. We are moving forward and holding each other up. We have decided not to put fertility on hold if we don't have too...So here we go again....Well, whenever Aunt F gets here.

Nervous

2009-11-29T21:16:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I see Dr. Swanson for a follow-up (results of the hysterosalpingogram). I have no idea what he will decide to do and I am kind of nervous. I had an appointment over Lou's Thanksgiving break, but it had to be rescheduled...It's tomorrow (Lou's first day back from Thanksgiving break), and he may not be able to make the appointment. I have been to a lot of doctor's appointments without Lou....It's really not that big of a deal. But I am nervous and I just can't help it.

Progress????

2009-11-14T22:06:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you can call any of my latest events/news/appointments progress...Let's just say it's all part of this crazy journey.

I had a month on birth control so not much to report...I didn't track anything...I didn't pee on any sticks and honestly...It felt good to have a break from all of that. Life for us has been more than crazy lately and truthfully my baby hopes have been kind of on the back burner.

Although we haven't had much time to talk about all of our fertility woes, life does move on and I still had to deal with this cyst on my right side. Good news...my cyst seems to be gone for now. The pain is back, but there is no cyst to speak of. Dr. Swanson does not know why I am still having pain on that right side...It truly has become quite pesky. I have had an appointment EVERY day since Monday (of this last week).

Monday: Ultrasound...cyst is gone.

Tuesday: Appointment with Dr. Swanson. He's glad the cyst is gone, but I am still having some pain and that doesn't seem to sit well with him. I tell him about seeing Dr. Synn and the test that he wanted to do (mainly the hysterosalpingogram) and Dr. Swanson says that he has thought of giving me that test. He also reminds me that he does not recommend Dr. Synn, and I told him that he would not be my first choice when/if it came time to actually do IVF. I got emotional and told Dr. Swanson that I am not ready to do IVF if we don't have to. He is still fairly sure that I will have another ectopic pregnancy on the right side if we are able to get pregnant from that side. I ask him about injectible medication to stimulate the left ovary. He says that he would be willing to give me something (medication) stronger than Clomid if we did the hysterosalpingogram and saw that my Right tube had scarred itself shut. If my right tube is scarred shut and we do medication to stimulate the ovary again...the only thing...I may get another cyst since my right ovary is already over stimulated. I ask the question..."Can you take out the Right ovary?" Dr. Swanson ignored it and I asked again. He said, "Let's do the hysterosalpingogram, and see what that says."

Since I was day 9 of my cycle he told me to see if I could have it done tomorrow (Wednesday). He told me to come back and see him soon, and so I scheduled for a follow-up with Dr. Swanson on November 24th and left with my order for the hysterosalpingogram.

Wednesday: I mde my appointment for my hysterosalpingogram (for Thursday morning) and I had a day 10 ultrasound to see if I was growing any follicles. Since I did ovulate on my own after my last month of birth control (on day 12) we thought it might happen again this month. Well, this ultrasound we saw only small cysts, but nothing really ovulatory. One bit of good news...We SAW the Left ovary. We almost never see the Left ovary...ever. We saw it and there were some small cysts, but nothing ovulatory. Barbara (who has become my very favorite nurse practitioner) said it might be too early so let's scan again Friday.

Thursday: The hysterosalpingogram...This really should be it's own post entirely, but I'll cram it all in. So no food or drink from midnight on. That usually would not be hard, but for some reason (probably because it was forbidden) I was STARVING at like 3am. And...my stomach was growling so loud it actually woke me up a few times...I am not joking. Anyway, since Dr. Swanson seemed so casual about the whole thing I didn't feel the need to take Lou with me...I got there a little early and almost immediately I wished Lou (or anyone) would have come with me. I was kind of scared. I have to admit I looked up pictures of the actual test and that kind of freaked me out...the pictures and the catheter.

They called me back and had me "empty my bladder." I got undressed in this nice dressing room and put all my belongings into a locker. I put on my gown and a nurse came and got me. She took me to an operating room type room...I'm sure they don't call it an operating room, but that was the feel...You know...really sterile, really white, really cold. The nurse went through the whole procedure and asked me if I had any questions. I didn't and so she went to get the doctor.

I don't remember the name of the doctor that did the hysterosalpingogram. He was nice enough. Everything went kind of quick once the doctor was in the room. Everything started out like a pap smear...it wasn't all that uncomfortable or weird. The catheter was inserted into my uterus and the little balloon on the tip was blown up. That's when the painful part hits. My uterus started to contract and it just felt like really strong cramps. I had to move up on the table and they positioned the camera/machine over my belly. The doctor controls how quickly the dye is inserted into your uterus.

As the dye went in it hurt a little bit, but mostly I was just very uncomfortable. I wanted the whole thing to be over quick. He said that the dye was going through my tubes and I immediately asked if the right tube looked open. He said that it seemed to be, but said that he did not see much "if any" spillage. He had the nurse zoom in on that right side and had me manuver on the table to try and get a good view of what was happening. The left side was spilling out quickly and so he decided to force more dye into the tubes. The right side was so backed up that all of the liquid went straight to the left side.

He concluded that the left tube was wide open with "abundant spillage" and the right tube was open all the way to the ovary, but with "no spillage." So the right side had indead sealed/scarred itself shut.

I laid there for about 20 minutes after the doctor had gone and the nurse took a few more pictures once everything had settled. I got dressed. I had cramps pretty badly and I really just wanted to go home and get into my bed...but I had to go to work. Luckily the cramps didn't last long and I felt pretty good all day.

That night I think it hit me that my whole right side was out of commission. I felt sad.

Friday: I had another ultrasound with Barbara. She asked me about the HSG and I told her what had happened. She went ot find the results and came back and said, "Your right side is out of commission." It was kind of hard to hear, but I was hoping to get another glimps of the left side...and praying for some ovulatory activity.

Unfortunately...we saw NOTHING. Not even a few small cysts. Barbara tried to be encouraging and said that I should keep testing. If I got a positive ovulation test it wouldn't hurt anything to have sex. If I ovulated on the right the sperm would not reach the egg and if by chance I ovulated on the left we might have success. She said that she had no idea what Dr. Swanson would suggest, but reminded me of a few things to make sure I asked him.

I left the office and I cried. I called my mom and she said let's meet for lunch.

We went to lunch and we went through all the scenarios. We talked about IVF. We talked about adoption. We talked about stimulating the ovaries and the possiblity of another cyst if we go that route. I left lunch feeling better, but also wishing my appointment with Dr. Swanson was tomorrow instead of like 10 days away.

Lou and I talked last night...poor Lou...I know he has so much he's going through right now. He took the time to reassure me. He is so sweet about the whole thing. I will see Dr. Swanson on the 24th. We'll see what he recommends now.

I did not do an OPK today. We saw nothing yesterday...I knew I would not get a positive OPK today. Maybe tomorrow I'll start testing again. I hate testing.

Another Progress Report...

2009-10-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

Truthfully I don't have much to report. I saw Dr. Swanson today and my cyst is shrinking. It isn't gone, but that's okay...for now. I will see Dr. Swanson again in two weeks and we will decide where to go from here/there. We didn't make any decisions today and really...I was okay with that. I have had a lot of pain with this cyst and have thought a few times that I might call and schedule a surgery to have it removed, but lately I have felt okay and somehow I feel kind of at peace.

I have been praying for help with my jealousy and for some reason I just feel like things are right right now. I haven't really been stressing over fertility or what day of my cycle I'm on or anything really. I actually went to a baby shower (since I had so much guilt for not attending the last one...I thought I'd try it out)...not so bad. It was for a girl I work with and even though I didn't stay and watch her her open every gift or play every silly baby shower game...I still made an appearance and I have to say I was proud of myself.

I have somehow found a little bit of peace and it feels good. I really can't tell you how I got here or when it happened...I just know I am going to stay here as long as I can.

Hopefully I will have more to update soon. Until then...Be well.

Love,
S

Fertility Abbreviations...Some will crack you up and some you may have to still look up.

2009-10-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

Okay...when I first got into researching and reading message boards about fertility related stuff I was clueless to what everyone was talking about. You know how people text things like "OMG"...well in the fertility world there is practically a language made up of abbreviations.

Here are some of them:

2WW = 2-Week Waiting (After you ovulate before you can take a pregnancy test.)

AF = Aunt Flo (menstruation) - I think this one is hilarious
AH, AZH = Assisted Hatching

AHI = At-home Insemination

AI = Artificial Insemination

AIH = Artificial Insemination from Husband

AO = Anovulation

ART = Assisted Reproductive Technology

B2 = Baby Two

BA = Baby Aspirin

BBT = Basal Body Temperature

BCP = Birth Control Pills

BD = Baby Dance (sex)...Seriously are you kidding me? Hahahahaha!

BFN = Big Fat Negative (pregnancy test)

BFP = Big Fat Positive (pregnancy test)

BG = Blood Glucose

BMS = Baby-making Sex

BSE = Breast Self-Exam

BW, b/w = Bloodwork

C# = Cycle Number

CB = Cycle Buddy
CCCT, CCT = Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test (Clomid Challenge Test)

CD = Cycle Day

CF = Cervical Fluid

CM = Cervical Mucus

CNM = Certified Nurse Midwife

COH = Controlled Ovarian Hyperstimulation

COW = Curse of Womanhood (menstruation)

CP = Cervical Position

D&C = Dilation & Curettage

D&E = Dilation & Evacuation

DE = Donor Eggs

DES = Diethylstilbestrol (a synthetic estrogen)

DI = Donor Insemination

DOR = Diminished Ovarian Reserve

DPO = Days Post-Ovulation

DPR = Days Post-Retrieval (of eggs)

DPT = Days Post-Transfer (of embryos)

DP3DT = Days Post 3-Day Transfer

DP3DT = Days Post 5-Day Transfer

Dx = Diagnosis

EB, EMB = Endometrial Biopsy

EDD = Estimated Due Date

ENDO = Endometriosis

EPT = Early Pregnancy Test

ET = Embryo Transfer

EW, EWCM = Eggwhite Cervical Mucus (thid is how you want it to be during ovulation)

FBG = Fasting Blood Glucose

FI = Fasting Insulin

FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer

FF = Fertility Friend

FM = Fertile Mucus or Fertility Monitor

FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone

FTTA = Fertile Thoughts To All

FV = Fertile Vibes

GD = Gestational Diabetes

GIFT = Gamete Intra-fallopian Transfer

GnRH = Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone

hCG, HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin

HPT = Home Pregnancy Test

HSC = Hysteroscopy

HSG = Hysterosalpingogram

ICSI = Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection (injecting the sperm into the egg for fertilization)

IF = Infertility

IR = Insulin Resistant

ITI = Intra-tubal Insemination

IUI = Intra-uterine Insemination

IVF = In Vitro Fertilization

LAP = Laparoscopy

LH = Luteinizing Hormone

LMP = Last Menstrual Period (start date)

LO = Love Olympics (sex)...I'm still cracking up over baby dance, but this is funny too.

LP = Luteal Phase (after ovulation before next cycle startes)

LPD = Luteal Phase Defect

LSP = Low Sperm Count

MC, m/c, misc. = Miscarriage

MF = Male Factor

MIFT = Micro Injection Fallopian Transfer

O, OV = Ovulation

OD = Ovulatory Dysfunction

OPK Ovulation Predictor Kit

PCAO= Polycystic Appearing Ovaries

PCO = Polycystic Ovaries

PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

PG = Pregnant

PMS = Pre-menstrual Syndrome

POF = Premature Ovarian Failure

RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist

SA = Semen Analysis
TET = Tubal Embryo Transfer

TL = Tubal Ligation

TTC = Trying to Conceive

US, u/s = Ultrasound

UTI = Urinary Tract Infection

V = Vasectomy

VR = Vasectomy Reversal

ZIFT = Zygote Intra-fallopian Transfer

There you have it. Now if any of you are ever on a fertility message board you will not be completely lost like I was.

Progress Report...It's all part of our journey.

2009-10-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

Well, Monday I called Dr. Synn's office to schedule my HSG and after that got scheduled they called me back and said that Dr. Synn wanted to have me in for an ultrasound. I wasn't sure why, but I complied.

Tuesday I went for the ultrasound (CD4). The nurse that did the ultrasound was very nice. I wasn't expecting anything to show up since I was only at cycle day 4. A minute or two of whirling that wand around in there and she said, "Is your bladder full?" I said, "No." She said, "I have to go get the doctor." Dr. Synn came back with her and turned the monitor so that I could see it...I have a HUGE cyst on my right ovary...AGAIN. This one is bigger than before. It's about 4 inches tall by 6 inches wide.

Dr. Synn said that we would wait until I started my period next month and see if it was gone. He said to go ahead with the HSG and seman analysis and he would se me back on the 19th for our follow-up appointment.

That was it?!

I called Lou as soon as I walked out of the office and told him about the cyst. That night I was in a lot of pain from all the poking around in there. The cyst is right against my bladder when it is full and causes quite a bit of pain. Lou and I talked a lot about everything and he said that he did not want to worry about all the fertility stuff if I had these cysts coming and going. He wanted me to make sure I was healthy first.

I felt sad about that, but kind of knew he was right. That night I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up at 1:00 with my sick dog. I was in a lot of pain too and so we moved out to the couch to let Lou sleep. I spent a lot of the night awake with Simon...he had a really bad allergic reaction to something, but during that time I thought about what to do with this cyst. I was in quite a bit of pain and had been for some time.

I have had the pain now for about two weeks and sometime last week I remember saying to Lou that I thought I had another cyst. He asked if I was serious and I said no. I didn't want to believe it was back or another one had come. I kept trying to tell myself that the pain was probably from something else...like my bed (being so hard) or maybe I had a pinched nerve.

Anyway, sometime between 1:00am and 5:00am I decided that Lou was right. I wanted to go back to Dr. Swanson and let him treat the cyst. I wanted to put off seeing Dr. Synn for now...we knew his approach and at this point I wasn't sure that we were 100% ready to say YES to IVF. Of course I want to be a mother and I want to have a baby, but I kind of felt like Dr. Synn was moving really really fast and I wasn't sure that we were "there" yet.

Wednesday I went to work after having almost no sleep the night before. I felt miserable, but really needed to be there. We got Simon squared away...He got some Benydril and a Cortizone shot...he's fine now.

I called Dr. Swanson's office and went straight for the appointment desk. I didn't want to bother talking to the nurse over the phone. I couldn't believe that I actually got an appointment that day at 4:00. I toughed it out all day and went to my appointment at 4:00. I got called back right away and soon enough I was naked from the waist down and on the table for another ultrasound. Dr. Swanson came in right as Barbara was doing the ultrasound and they found my cyst. He actually drew it out for me on a piece of paper. I wish I had a picture so I could post it...It is HUGE.

He said that if I waited to treat it (like Dr. Synn wanted me to do) it could potentially double in size (that it could be the size of a football in a month)....Can you even imagine?

I was in Dr. Swanson's office 3 weeks ago for a scan and there was NOTHING there...In 3 weeks this cyst grew. He went to get a box of birth control and came right back in. He said to start it immediately. He gave pain medication too and told me that he wanted to see me back on the 19th. He wanted to see me back the first week of November too. If this cyst didn't shrink we needed to make a decision about what to do. I asked him if we could just take out the ovary and he said, "I am not going to make that decision today, but we can certainly talk about that option."

I don't want to jump to any conclusions or get ahead of myself here, but if he ends up taking the ovary on the right side and leaves my left side alone I am kind of hoping he will just stimulate the left side and voila! maybe we can get pregnant without IVF.

I am no doctor and I certainly don't know if it will be that easy, but it became clear to me that we needed to re-evaluate our priorities. Getting rid of this/these cysts was first on our list. On my way home I cancelled my appointment for the HSG test and cancelled my follow-up appointment with Dr. Synn on the 19th. I wasn't going to keep spending fertility money (our insurance has a cap) before we needed to.

I took some pain medication and got a good nights sleep last night. I started the birth control right away and actually felt good today.

It is frustrating to have this cyst, but at the same time I feel like this is all part of a bigger plan...as painful as it is, there is a reason for it. I have always been a firm believer in...Everything happens for a reason. And...Timing is Everything.

The Green-Eyed Baby Monster

2009-10-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

Jealousy. We’re not supposed to admit to feeling it. It’s not “nice.” But the truth is, everyone feels jealous, and when you’re having problems conceiving, that jealousy can strike every time someone you know has "baby news" to share.

I am dealing with jealous feelings right now...Badly.

And the worst part...I feel terrible about feeling this way.

I missed a baby shower this past weekend because I felt too jealous to go. I tried to tell myself there were other things going on in my life that were keeping me from going, but truthfully...my jealousy was the big reason.

Wow...I can't believe I am really admitting this, but in a way it feels good to have it out.

It's not that I don't feel happy for the couple. They too went through some struggles to get where they are now...I really am happy for them.

I just wasn't ready to meet their little one. You see their baby was born already and I knew he would be attending the shower. I definitely want to meet him...I've seen pictures of him and he is adorable. I just didn't feel ready...Not at such a big event.

I was worried that I might not be able to keep my emotions in. And this day was not about me...I was not about to burst into tears and ruin someone else's exciting event.

Sometimes I feel like everywhere I turn I am being reminded...baby showers, baby talk, baby pictures, growing bellies.

How do I deal with jealousy? I feel guilty about feeling jealous. Last night I had a dream that I was trying to explain why I didn't attend the shower and I woke realizing that I am beating myself up emotionally over this whole thing.

I have heard it said before: Allow yourself time to mourn.

I don't need to mourn...Do I? Mourn the absence of my own pregnancy? Mourn the loss of my one and only (ectopic) pregnancy?

I am sure this sounds ridiculous to someone who hasn't dealt with infertility. Why can't you just be happy for the people around you that are experiencing such an incredible joy? You're being rude for not showing support. It's selfish to feel jealous.

I keep telling myself all of these things...I keep telling myself, "They may not go to my shower (if I ever have one), if I don't go to their's."

You know what?...I can't feel guilty for not participating in every baby ritual...Especially if it makes me feel uncomfortable. Better to skip the baby shower and do something for myself than go, feel miserable, and make someone else feel uncomfortable too.

I wish I hadn't been too embarrassed to explain my jealousy ahead of time.
I know it's natural and to be expected in these cases, but I do not feel proud of myself for letting this feeling truly take over me.

Anyone else out there dealing or dealt with this?...Any advice?

Why?

2009-10-03T16:09:00.000-07:00

I started my period today. I didn't cry, but I almost did. I didn't really think I was pregnant this month since I hadn't gotten a positive OPK, but still every time I start my period I feel sad.

Lou tried to remind me that for a long time I never started on my own...I know the fact that I'm having a period has got to be good. I wish I just knew:

Why I only had a 21 day cycle last month and this time it was a 32 day cycle.

Why last month I ovulated on day 12 and some months I ovulate on day 16 or 14 or 21.

Why for my whole life when I didn't care about having a period I was always having one (every month like clock work) and now I can't have a normal period to save my life.

Why do some girls get pregnant the first time they have sex and some girls (me) can't?

Why does all this fertility stuff have to be so hard/emotional/expensive/sad/mad/crazy?

Our Journey...well up until now...Part 6

2009-10-02T23:22:00.000-07:00

On September 1st (2009) I started my period. I started all by myself...again. I was a little concerned that my previous cycle was only 21 days long, but I didn't dwell on that too much. I wanted to see if my body would ovulate on it's own again. I felt confident that it would. I had started taking Fertile Aid (instead of a pre-natal) and was just so optimistic that I would have sucess.

I started doing ovulation tests on cycle day 8. I knew that they would be negative...it was too early. The first few didn't bother me. On day 10 I had an ultrasound in Dr. Swanson's office. Janelle did the scan and we didn't see anything. I have to admit...I was discouraged. She said it might just be too early and we scheduled a second ultrasound for Monday the 14th. I saw Jane on Monday and when we did the scan we saw no eggs again.

Jane went to talk to Dr. Swanson and before I knew it he was in there with Jane and he was looking at the scan too. He said I most likely was not going to ovulate, but since I have ovulated anywhere from day 12 to day 21 he said that I could continue to test on my own. If I got a positve I should call the office right away and they would get me in to scan ASAP. They wanted to see what side I was ovulating from. If it was Left we were good to go ; ) If it was Right...No go...we'd have to sit this month out.

As Dr. Swanson continued to talk I remember him saying, "my feeling is that you won't ovulate this month though." He continued..."If that's the case we can try Clomid again for a few months at 150mg and see if we can get that left ovary stimulated, but my feeling is that if the right ovary is so sensitive to stimulation we will probably get eggs on both sides." I remember him saying something like, "I can't in good conscious keep stimulating you if we can't isolate the left side...."

The next thing I know he's talking about GIFT. Gamete intrafallopian transfer is a procedure where eggs are removed from a woman's ovaries, and placed in one (the left in my case) of the Fallopian tubes, along with the man's sperm. This procedure allows fertilization to take place inside the woman's body (instead of in a lab...like IVF). He said if we keep stimulating with medication and we keep getting eggs on the right they could take the eggs from the right ovary and put them into the left tube.

Dr. Swanson gave me some paperwork on the procedure and gave me a referral to a clinic up in San Francisco that has a high success rate and he highly recommends. I started crying and felt for the first time that Dr. Swanson was kind of giving up.

I called Lou from the parking lot and told him want the doctor said. He is always so sweet about the whole situation. He is the first one to say that everything will be okay and that he will make it happen. After telling him everything I called Luna. We talked for a long time and then I realized I needed to get back to work and we ended our conversation.

Once I got back to work I called the Pacific Fertility Center in San Francisco and asked them some questions about everything. I was surprised to find out that I could get an appointment in as early as two weeks. I didn't make one. I wasn't ready. As I talked to Susan at the center I broke down crying. I felt so overwhelmed by everything that she was saying. When I started this whole fertility journey I thought there were so many things between the beginning (Clomid) and in vitro fertilization. How had I suddenly jumped from one end to the other. Weren't there any other options? Other medications? Cheaper procedures?

Susan at PFC sent me an email of information (includng a quote) about the clinic and the procedure.

Oh! One thing I forgot to add...Most clinics don't do GIFT anymore. It's considered "out dated." In vitro fertilization has become more popular, and also more successful over the years so this was most likely the route doctors would lean towards.

That didn't really matter to me so much...at this point BOTH were OUT of our price range.

The quote I received from the San Francisco clinic...$19,000.00. It includes a refund program...not a FULL refund program, but a partial refund program.

Within the next few days I was taking ovulation tests two and three times a day hoping for a positive and that things just might work out the "cheaper" way. All negative...one right after the other.

I had received a few emails and phone calls from people (friends) who had suggestions and when I heard about Dr. Synn I almost cried with joy. Dr. Synn is 1) local. 2) cheaper. 3) is used to dealing with my insurance. 4) the only guy in the area that does IVF and GIFT. I called his office and made an appointment to see him. I called Swanson's office and requested copies of all my medical records. I researched Dr. Synn online...I was excited about my journey again.

I did ovulation tests all the way up until day 21. I finally got so depressed over all the negative tests I just gave up on them. If my body was going to ovulate after day 21 I wasn't going to know. I almost didn't care about those tests anymore.

One night in all this craziness Lou and Jackson and I went to dinner at some of our friends home. We were not the only guests...I was excited that their friend Sharon would also be joining us for dinner. I had met Sharon before and I knew that she was an OB. I had told her before that I was seeing Dr. Swanson and she said he was well respected among other doctors in the community. I told myself that I was not going to take advantage of Sharon and smother her with all my "work related" questions, but one thing led to another and before I know it we are full on in "fertility mode."

I have to say she was very kind and didn't seem to mind sharing her opinion with me. I was happy to hear that she agreed with Dr. Swanson's decision to move forward with the GIFT or IVF. Because another ectopic pregnancy would cause more harm than the first, and could ultimately kill me it would not be wise to continue to stimulate if the outcome is always follies on the right. Anyway, Sharon did know about Dr. Synn, but hadn't heard too much about him. I didn't dwell on the subject...after all it was her evening with friends too..I am sure she didn't think she'd be talking about work over dinner. Although she was oncall and left after dinner to go deliver a baby....

So today...was my appointment with Dr. Synn. I am day 32 of my cycle...no period yet, but some menstral cramps over the last few days...we'll see if she actually comes.

Okay so my appointment...I felt like Dr. Synn (the other Dr. S.) was quite nice. He is definitely well educated and knows his subject very well. He explained everything to me perfectly and I feel mostly good about what we talked about. He read over ALL my medical records and asked me about four questions (for clarification). This is what he said:

A regular fertile couple (maybe I shouldn't use "regular," but it's all I can think of right now) has a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month. No one has 100% chance of getting pregnant. When a fertile couple decides to have a baby they try for a few months and usually within about 6 months they are pregnant. (This is what he said...not me).

So fertile couple...20%. Me...2%. Yeah...I didn't leave off the 0...it's actually 2 percent.

With Clomid (which I was taking) I had about an 8% chance of getting pregnant every month...And we did get pregnant (I had to make that mental note).

With other medications...injectables (he didn't specify which ones exactly) we have 15% chance of getting pregnant.

With in vitro fertilization we have a 40% chance "double mother nature."

There are three things he needs...1) blood work-up...got it! Dr. Swanson actually did all that so we are good there. 2) Semen analysis...we didn't do that yet. Dr. Swanson was never really too concerned about Lou since we knew that the problem was ME not ovulating. But Dr. Synn needs this and so we will comply. 3) A hysterosalpingogram (HSG)...an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using an X-ray as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. This way he can tell if my tubes are blocked and if so how badly they are blocked.

The HSG will be done on the 7th day of my next cycle. Since today I am at 32 Dr. Synn said to wait until Wednesday of next week. If I do not start my period I will take a pregnancy test and if it is negative I will call the office and they will prescribe Provera to induce my period. I will go for the HSG test on day 7 after my cycle starts and then I will do a follow up appointment with Dr. Synn to go over all the findings.

If the tube is not blocked he is comfortable to try injectables before IVF. If the tube is as blocked as Dr. Swanson thought it would be we will have to go the IVF route...that's the only route. He went over cost with me and it is significantly less than San Francisco...let's just say that. A lot less. It's still not doable right this minute, but it is probably doable.

His office does IVF procedure in cycles...their next cycle is in November (we will not be ready for a November transfer), but there is another one in January and also in March of next year. As of right now I am hoping that the tube is not blocked and I can give the injectables a try first...since insurance will cover that cost.

I have to say the financial stress of infertility is probably the worst part of the whole thing...well it's high on the list. This is a whole other post entirely...I'm not getting into it now. All I want to say is that if I had known when I was younger that I would have this kind of expense...I would have saved...BIG time.

So that's it...All caught up on our journey so far. We'll see where it takes us next.

Our Journey...well up until now...Part 5

2009-09-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

The day after my surgery I felt worse than the actual day of surgery. I slept in, and Lou stayed home with me. We were both so exhausted that I think we stayed in bed until about 9:00 or 10:00 am (which is late for us…well late for Lou).

My grandma called and asked if we needed anything. I didn’t even know what we needed. I remember saying that it was okay for her to bring dinner later and we hung up. I got several calls throughout the day…mostly from family. Sometimes I answered…sometimes I let it go to voicemail. All the calls sounded the same…It was comforting to have so many people calling, but none of them really made things feel any better.

Over the next couple of days we had people stop by to give us food. No one really stayed to visit…it probably was awkward. I know I wouldn’t know what to say to a couple like us.

On Monday (June 8th) I went back to work…Only 5 days after surgery. I felt okay, but it was probably a little too early. I remember my boss saying that I didn’t look good, and that maybe I should only work a half day…I worked all day. I guess I thought that getting back to life would help me forget and move on.

A few days later I was in Dr. Swanson’s office. I had three small incisions from the surgery and they were healing up quickly. Physically I felt good. A little tender, but mostly good. I remember my conversation with Dr. Swanson that day. He was very concerned about my emotional health. He told us we could try again in about six weeks. I was eager to try again. Dr. Swanson expressed concern about my right tube…Although it had been salvaged it was damaged and my risk of another ectopic pregnancy on that side is great.

That was hard to hear since my right side is the only side that has responded to Clomid. Dr. Swanson mentioned that we’d stimulate with something stronger and see if we could get the left side stimulated. He didn’t want to talk too much about our next step…He was more concerned with me healing (both physically and emotionally).

I made an appointment to see him in 4 weeks and left. I felt mostly excited that we’d be able to try again soon, but I also knew that I had to grieve my loss.

I was forced to wait things out…I dealt with my emotions the best way I could. I don’t think Lou ever really dealt with his own emotions about the whole thing. He was so strong through it all. He was so busy finishing up the end of his school year. I remember him crying one night with me and saying that he didn’t really know how much he wanted another baby until we had lost the baby I was carrying.

In a way I think this whole experience brought us closer. Not that we weren’t close before, but it made me realize that we were both on the same page…he wanted what I wanted and we were more committed to our family and each other and that made me love him just a little bit more (if that is even possible).

Just before I was supposed to go into see Dr. Swanson at the beginning of July I started to feel some pain in my right side. I kept ignoring it (I knew it wasn’t another ectopic pregnancy), but soon I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Truthfully, it hurt worse than it did that night I called the doctor and was admitted to the hospital. I was getting scared.

I had joined a website called Fertility Ties and one day in the midst of my pain I wrote a message to one of the fertility doctors about my situation and my pain. I kind of thought I might just be ovulating (on the right side) and it might just be extra tender. I got an email back from the Fertility Ties doctor and what he wrote scared me. He mentioned re-growth from the ectopic pregnancy and that my tube could rupture if there were tissues left in there after the surgery.

I called my doctor’s office right away to tell them about the pain. I went in the next day for an ultrasound. I went to the lab first for another Beta Quant. I guess I would still have an elevated level of HCG if I had tissue left in there after surgery.

My HCG level was fine, but the ultrasound showed a tennis ball size cyst sitting right on my right ovary. It was against my bladder so when my bladder was full it hurt worse. It wasn’t anything that the doctor was worried about…Apparently after surgery or trauma to an ovary sometimes the ovaries work extra hard and produce too much estrogen. My cyst was just a big sac of estrogen. The cure: birth control pills.

What?! I had been off of birth control for a year and now I had to go back on them? I hated that. I hated taking them. I hated looking at them. I hated the fact that I was back on birth control…even if it was only for a month.

I did one month of birth control pills and in the mean time tried to focus on myself…my body, my eating habits, and exercising. I tried not to focus on getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, testing.

The month went by quickly and as soon as I finished the birth control I started my period. I went into Dr. Swanson’s office for another ultrasound and this time…the cyst was gone. I made an appointment to see Dr. Swanson for a “talk” appointment and was on my way. I felt good. That month (August) I decided to start testing for ovulation just for fun. I had ordered a bunch of ovulation tests online and had at least 20 of them. I started testing on day 9 of my cycle and surprisingly on day 12 I got a positive. This was the first real positive I think I have ever gotten. I took a picture and emailed it to Luna to ask her opinion.

She sent back + + + + +!!!! I was so excited that my body had ovulated on my own. The only problem…what side was I ovulating from?

I went home and talked to Lou about it and we decided that we didn’t feel comfortable trying without talking to Dr. Swanson first. We skipped that ovulation and a week later I was back in Swanson’s office. I told him about my positive OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit), and he was so excited. It was kind of cute how excited he got actually.

The only problem…this changed the course of my treatment. If I was going to have a few good cycles on my own doctor did not want to stimulate with medication. He told me to call and schedule an ultrasound on day 10 of my next cycle. Since I ovulated on day 12 this cycle we would hopefully catch a nice follicle on day 10 and I could give myself a trigger shot to release the follicle (if it was on the left side).

That was the only problem…the left side, up until now has never had any eggs. The left side looks normal according to Dr. S. He does not see any reason why the left side would not work, but some women just have a dominant side…Well my dominant side is my right side. The damaged side.

I felt optimistic at this time. I remember leaving the office feeling good...Like maybe my body was going to work right now. I would wait for the next cycle to start and we would try again. Hopefully everything would start working on it’s own…like it was supposed to. All I could do for now was wait….

To Be Continued….

Our Journey...well up until now...Part 4

2009-09-25T22:01:00.000-07:00

The next day was Tuesday, June 2nd. Sometime in the middle of the night I decided that as of right now...I was pregnant. I couldn't give up hope on this baby that was growing inside me. I had to be strong and believe in this baby.

I decided to stay home from work Tuesday...I think I thought that if I just stayed in bed and didn't do to much I could somehow make everything okay in there. I kind of put myself on "bed rest." All day I stayed in bed. I got a lot of sleep and spent very little time up and about.

My best friend, who I call for anything pregnant related (she's had three kids, and knows a lot) called me to see how I was doing.  The last time I had talked to her I was hysterical on my way home the day before after I had received the news about my Beta results, and she was worried about me. We talked and I told her that I was resting today, trying to stay positive and...oh by the way...I have this pain in my right side.

Uh oh! Luna knew that the pain in my right side was not a good sign. I told her it kind of felt like I had run the mile and had that side stitch feeling. I tried to down play it. Luna said, "I'm not trying to scare you but..." I hostely can't remember the rest, but I know I was scared.

I didn't call the doctor right away. I wanted it to not be true...what she had said. I wanted the pain to subside and I wanted everything to be okay. About noon...or just before I remember thinking that I should call the doctor before lunch so that they had plenty of time to call me back.

I called. Left my message for Patty or Dr. S. and waited.

Patty called bak and I told her about my pain in my side. She asked me a lot of questions and told me that I should take Tylenol. I followed her orders and tried my best not to think the worst. By about 4:00 that day I wasn't feeling much better. Patty called me to see how I was feeling and I told her that I wasn't better, but I didn't feel worse. She sent me for some lab work and told me that if the pain got worse during the night to call the doctor right away.

That evening Lou came home from work and I told him what was going on. We tried to keep a positive outlook, but I think we were both worried. We got into bed that night around 9:00 and as I lay there I thought...If I still feel like this tomorrow I am going into the doctor. I also thought...Lou won't be with me because he'll be at work. Something in me said, "Call the doctor tonight."

I leaned over and picked up my cell phone. I called Dr. Swanson and talked to the exchange. He called me back right away. I told him what I was feeling and after a minute he said that we should go to the Emergency Room. He told us to go to Saint Agnes Hospital and that he wanted to ER doctor to call him after he checked me out.

Lou's mom came over to be with Jackson (he was already asleep), and we left for the hospital. We arrived and I started to feel scared. We had to wait a long time (which was not a surprise). Dr. Claypool was our doctor in the ER and I remember thinking he was very good. He ordered some lab work and sent me for an ultrasound.

Lou couldn't go with me in the ultrasound and that was hard for both of us. The ultrasound took a long time. I was shaking during most of it....I was scared. The room was dark and he lady that did the ultrasound didn't say much. When she was done she looked at me and said, "I can't really say I saw anything."

I got dressed and someone escorted me out to Lou in the waiting room. I started to cry while we waited and I think I knew that something was wrong. It started to feel more and more real...like this was not a healthy pregnancy. It took a long time, but someone finaly called us back to hear the results of the ultrasound and lab work. They walked us past all the consultation areas and led us into a room. The nurse handed me a gown and told us that Dr. Claypool was talking to Dr. Swanson on the phone and he would be in shortly.

Lou started to cry and I tried to hold it together. A nurse came in to start an IV and I knew I was not going home for a while. It was one o'clock in the morning. I hadn't been up that late in a long time, but I didn't feel tired. I was starting to shake again.

Dr. Claypool came in and told us that he had talked to Dr. Swanson and he would be coming to perform surgery...I had an ectopic pregnancy. Lou cried, and I remember saying it's okay. I don't know why I said, "It's okay." It wasn't even a little bit okay. Dr. Claypool left and a nurse came in to start a second IV. I started to cry and shake...I was cold. As soon as things started to sink in we had questions...was the doctor coming right now to do surgery?...was this surgery dangerous?...all these questions were flooding in and the nurse did not have the answers. We asked Dr. Claypool to come back.

He could see that we were both crying and knew that it was sinking in for both of us now. Lou asked him if I was having surgery right away and he said no. The doctor would come in the morning.  He said that sometimes they just give medication, but because of the size of the pregnancy it would need to be surgically removed. He said that the surgery itself was fairly routine, and that Dr. Swanson probably performed them pretty regularly. He said the surgery was not risky...what is more risky is the ectopic pregnancy not being removed right away. It could rupture and I could die. He told us that our doctor had an excellent reputation and that I was in very good hands.

Lou and I were left alone and we cried and held each other. We had tried so hard for this...been through a lot...and just when we were so excited...it was gone.

I told Lou to call my boss and leave a voice message at work for her. Don't tell her all the details right now...Just tell her I'm in the hospital and going in for surgery and we'll explain the rest later. She didn't know I was pregnant. Next I told Lou to call my mom. It was almost two o'clock in the morning, but I wanted her to know. I told Lou to go home and get Jackson up in the morning for school. I would be okay and he could come back after Jackson went to school.

My mom came to be with me and Lou went home. I know it was hard for him to leave me, but I didn't want things to be weird for Jackson the next day. My mom and I talked a long time and finally around four o'clock in the morning someone came to talk me to a room in the hospital. I was wheeled on a bed for a long time before we got there. On our way we heard the nursery song playing overhead...a baby had been born. I kind of felt numb.

Once I got to my room I was tired.  My nurse came in right away and started asking me a bunch of questions. I don't remember all of them...How was I doing with all of this? Did I need to see a counselor? Did I want someone to pray with me? Was I religous? Who did I want my doctor to talk to about my medical condition besides me? It was a lot to take...

She was finally finished about 4:30am. She said I could have morphine for the pain. I knew that Dr. Swanson would come in just a few hours and I was afraid that I would be too groggy if I took pain medication...I wanted to be awake and alert when he came to tell me what was going to happen. I decided against the medication. I was in pain, but I could stand it.

My mom was still with me and she advised me to get some sleep. I was tired...exhausted actually. I remember laying in that hospital bed trying to fall asleep...I closed my eyes and thought, "this is my last night pregnant." I think I got about an hour of sleep. I wasn't comfortable, I was scared.

At 7:00am Dr. Swanson came into my room. He sat on my bed and put his hand on my tummy. He asked me how the pain was and how I was feeling. He told me exactly what he was going to do. He was confident that he could salvage my right tube, but that we would want to try to get pregnant from the left side when we tried again. I was concerned because the right side is so stimulated by the Clomid. I remember Dr. S. saying, "Don't worry...we can get the left side working." He asked how I felt emotionally. I don't remember what I said.

He left to go do another surgery and to see what time we could do my surgery. About 8:00 Lou came in. I told him what doctor had said and made a few calls to friends and family...Luna, my boss, Stephanie at work. My mom called my grandma and my sister and I had a few people I wanted Lou to call...My dad and Adrienne (my other best friend).

It wasn't long before someone came to take me for surgery. I got prepped and singed a bunch of paperwork. Lou and my mom were let back in...we were moved to the surgery side of the hospital. My sister arrived and she came back to see me too. Dr. Swanson came in and told us a little more about the procedure. Lou got to talk to him too and I felt very comfortable. I trusted Dr. S. completely. A few minutes later I was wheeled back to the O.R.

I remember saying I was a little nervous and that is all I remember.

I woke up from surgery to a nurse asking me, "on a scale of one to ten how bad is your pain?" I think I said a six and she came with medication. I remember stopping her. I asked if I was going home or staying in the hospital.  She said that I was able to go home if I wanted to and so I told her not to give me any medication. She said that my pain had to be under 5 to refuse medication...I lied and said it was a four. I didn't want medication right away if I was going home. I was still groggy from the surgery and I just wanted to be able to walk...get in the car, get out, get in my bed without feeling like a total zombie. I would take medication at home.

Lou and my mom came in shortly after I woke from surgery. I got dressed, got a list of things to do and not to do, got a prescription for pain medication, and went on my way. My mom went to the pharmacy for me. I went right home. I climbed into bed and slept.

My phone kept ringing and I remember answering most of the calls. I have no idea who I talked to or what I said. My mom brought medication and Jamba Juice. My brother brought dinner later that evening. I was kind of in a fog most of the afternoon and eveing. I hadn't had much sleep. I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep long.

That night I remember going to bed pretty early. As Lou and I got into bed we were both crying. I felt totally empty. We hugged and cried until we felt alseep.

To be continued...

Our Journey...well up until now...Part 3

2009-09-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

As soon as I got the positive pregnancy test I went to my office, closed my door and made a call to my doctor's office right away. Patty came to the phone and I told her all about the test and the spotting. She told me to go to Saint Agnes Hospital right away to do some lab work. I was technically still at lunch. I reember telling one of the girls that I needed to have some lab work done before I saw my doctor later that afternoon. (After all I was scheduled to see my primary doctor later that day).

I arrived at Saint Agnes and they took me back fairly quickly. I remember being in & out of there within about 30 minutes. I had my blood drawn and headed back to work. I was beaming. I remember feeling so happy. I couldn't believe that we were finally expecting.

I went back to work and tried to get my work done...I was just so excited that I couldn't really concentrate on anything. About an hour after I had returned to work, Patty called from Dr. Swanson's office. The conversation went something like this:

Patty: Congratulations! You are definitely pregnant.

Shan: Oh my gosh!

Patty: Your beta level is 2,417.

Shan: What does that mean?

Patty: Well, it's good...It's high, but not high enough to see anything in an ultrasound. We want you to test again on Monday. Your HCG level should double every 48 hours so you should be high enough to schedule an ultrasound by Monday.

Shan: What about the spotting?

Patty: Are you cramping? How heavy is the flow?

Shan: not heavy and no cramps at all.

Patty: Don't exercise, drink looks of water, don"t lift anything, and no intercourse until the spotting stops.

Shan: Okay.

Patty: We'll talk to you Monday...Congratulations.

Wow! It was really official. I know I got nothing done at work after that.

I went to my primary doctor's appointment soon after that. Lou was fighting a cold and had decided to meet me there. When I walked into the office he was sitting along the wall. I signed in and sat down next to him. He asked how I was and I pulled out the digital pregnancy test. I handed it to him and he said, "You're pregnant?" I was smiling and said yes. He was shocked. We sat there kissing and holding hands and smiling and giggling until the nurse called us back.

Our appointment went fine. Lou got an antibiotic for his cold and I got a few congratulations from the doctor. He was not worried about anything I went in there for...especially since I was pregnant. I went to the pharmacy to get Lou's prescription filled and headed straight to my mother-in-laws house. I sat down and told her that we were pregnant and she started crying. We talked for a little while and I went home.

We had decided to tell Jackson right away...We wanted him to know and be part of our excitement. He was very happy! He made sure I knew he wanted a boy and that the boys would "rule."

I tried to go by my mom's but she wasn't home. I called her, but it just didn't feel right to tell her over the phone.

The next day at work I just felt so good. Excited and happy. After work I went straight to my mom's house and told her our news. My brother was there too and they were both so happy. We called my sister and told her too. She was so happy. I remmeber telling her that the baby would be due early February and she was excited since her birthday is February 1st.

Over the weekend we told most of our family and friends. We didn't even think about waiting. Most of our family knew about our fertility ordeal and it just seemed right to let them in on our news. Everyone was so overjoyed. I thought my grandpa was going to have a heart attack when I first told him. His eyes welled up with tears and it made me cry.

Lou and were so exciteds that we even made a premature trip to Babys R Us just for fun. We bought some tummy butter for me and some prego-pops just in case I had the morning sickness. I was feeling good and we were over the moon.

Monday morning I woke up early and made my way to Saint Agnes to have my second beta quan. I went in quickly and made it to work early. All day I felt great. I even told Stephanie at work. She is expecting too and we quietly chatted about how much fun it was going to be being pregnant together.

At about 4:45 that afternoon, Patty called me...My levels increased, but now they were 2,747. Not like they were supposed to. I started crying right away. I didn't know what this meant, but I felt like it wasn't good. I left work right after that and didn't say anything to anyone.

Once I got home and told Lou what was happening he tried to assure me that everything would be okay, but I really was a wreak. Patty called back after talking to Dr. Sawnson and told me that he wanted to wait a week and test again. A WEEK? I cried and she tried to assure me that this didn't necessarily mean something was wrong. I cried on and off all night.

To Be Continued...

Our Journey...well up until now...Part 2

2009-09-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

So December 2008 was my first encounter with Clomid. Clomid is a fertility drug used to stimulate ovulation (since Dr. Swanson had discovered that I was not ovulating on my own). I had to take the Provera to induce my period again and once I started my period I began taking the Clomid (50mg) on the third day of my period (and continued for 5 consecutive days).

I had read all these scary stories about side effects of Clomid, but I felt fine. I didn't seem to have any of the effects and truthfully if I did...I didn't care. I was getting axious and was hoping the first round of medication would work.

On the 12th day of my cycle I went into Dr. Swanson's office for an ultrasound. We saw one follicle (egg) and I was so excited. I started ovulation testing that day and waited for my positive surge. My positive surge didn't seem like a definite positive and now in retrospect I am not sure if that actually was the surge. Two weeks later...My pregnancy test was negative and I had started my period.

Hey...at least my period came on it's own this time. No Provera...Right?

Anyway, Dr. S. decided that he would leave me at 50mg of Clomid and we would repeat the cycle. Suprisingly I didn't mind...I felt more at ease going into the 2nd round since now I had been through an entire cycle and knew what to expect.

Same thing...day three through seven I took the Clomid...No side effects...Day 12 I went for an ultrasound. This time....NOTHING. No eggs at all. I scheduled a second ultrasound a few days later. Still...NOTHING. One more ultrasound a few days later....NOTHING. This cycle didn't work.

Dr. Swanson decided to bump up the Clomid dose. So I went from 50mg to 100mg. Because I didn't ovulate in my second cycle, I didn't start my period on my own...So guess what?...Provera. I took Provera to induce my period and started my 3rd round of Clomid on the third day of my cycle. Around day 12 I went for my ultrasound and this time it worked...I had a follicle! Ovulation testing...waiting for the positive surge.

By this time either the nurse or Dr. Swanson had mentioned Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

What is polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a health problem that can affect a woman's menstrual cycle, ability to have children, hormones, heart, blood vessels, and appearance. With PCOS, women typically have:
•high levels of androgens. These are sometimes called male hormones, although females also make them.
•missed or irregular periods
•many small cysts (sists) in their ovaries. Cysts are fluid-filled sacs.

I haven't been formally diagnosed, but I have some symtoms. Unfortunately, one of them is my hormone levels are flip flopped...My LH is always a little higher than it should be and my FSH is much lower than normal. Well, ovulation tests measure your LH hormone and you have a positive reading when your LH level spikes indicating that ovulation is about to occure. Since my LH level is always elevated I usually have a hard time reading the test and figuring out when the surge truly took place.

I can't exactly remember what happened during the 3rd round of Clomid...all I know is that we didn't end up pregnant. Fourth round came...Dr. S. decidied to keep me at 100mg since we had a good follicle the prior month. On cyle day 12 I went in for my ultrasound and this time...NOTHING. I was in tears. I couldn't believe that it hadn't worked this time. Dr. Swanson suggested we do another ultrasound in a few days just to be sure that this time it didn't work. About three days later I went for a second ultrasound and this time we found a follicle. It wasn't big enough yet so I was scheduled for a third ultrasound and during that visit the follicle looked great.

To make sure I did in fact ovulate, Dr. Swanson gave me a shot of Ovidrel. I took the shot home and told Lou he would have to help me give myself a shot. The shot would release the egg in 24-36 hours. The next morning I woke up early and Lou gave me a shot in the stomach. It wasn't painful at all. It was probably harder for him than it was for me. He was so nervous that he would hurt me, but it really didn't feel like anything.

Two weeks later...My period came. I'm sure I cried. I was getting tired of all of this and was just wanting things to work. I started my 5th round of Clomid right around the last day of April 2009. On day 12-14 of my cycle I went for my ultrasound. This month was different. I started my period at the end of April and sometime around the 7-8th of May I started spotting. Not badly, but it had concerned me. When I went for my ultrasound I told the doctor about the spotting and he didn't seem too concerned about it. We did not see any follicles in my ultrasound and so I scheduled a second scan. Still nothing.

We figured that this cycle had not worked and scheduled me for a "Talk" appointment with Dr. Swanson to see what the next step would be.

I tried to put everything out of my mind for now and just focus on other things...Work, my health, home...We had just moved. On May 28th I had an appointment to see my primary doctor about some minor health issues. In the back of my head I thought..."I better take a pregnancy test just so that I can be sure I am not pregnant...in case he asks."

I took a test...a free test that I had received in the mail, and when it turned POSITIVE right away I showed it to Lou and didn't beleive it. I thought I was reading it wrong and I threw it away. We went about our day as usual.

A few hours later I called my friend, Luna, and told her about the test. She was sure it was positive and told me to call my doctor right away. I didn't. I went to work.

At lunchtime I went to Long's Drug Store and picked up a digital pregnancy test. I took it in the bathroom at work and remember tears streaming down my cheeks when it read "PREGNANT."

The only thing that worried me...I was still spotting.

To Be Continued....

Our journey...well up until now - Part 1

2009-09-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

Last July we moved to a cute little house and had plans to be there for a while. We were so happy because so much was changing in our life. Lou had just gotten a job teaching at Clovis High and we were living in a three bedroom house...with a yard. We felt ready to expand our family.

When I met Lou he told me right away that he had a son...Jackson. We became close quick and soon we were a little family. Lou and I always talked about having other children. We knew we wanted to expand when the time felt right. Well, last July (2008) it felt right.

I had been on birth control for about three years...Yasmin. I didn't switch things up...I was happy with Yasmin and never felt the need to change methods of birth control. I went off of birth control and didn't really worry about anything.

I had a period right after going off of the pill and didn't really know much about trying to get pregnant...you know testing and everything?! So we just went with the flow. I started my period again the next month and really didn't feel too bummed. We were just starting out...I really didn't expect it to happen the first month.

By September I had had a period each month and at the end of September I quit having a period. We were so excited! We thought, "This must mean...we're pregnant!" Test after test...they were all negative.

I decided to wait it out and see if I started my period the next month.

When no period came I made an appointment with Dr. Swanson. He was recommended to me by a friend and so I decided to try him out. It took a while to get in, but once I did I was so glad that I had decided to see Dr. Swanson. What a lovely man. Older, not old though...Sweet, very sensitive, and easy going. I felt very at ease. His staff was so nice too.

Dr. S. decided to give me Provera (synthetic Progeterone) to induce my period. He wanted to see if I just needed a jump start...to get back on track. He gave me some lab slips too and wanted me to come back in about two months. In the meantime...Get the lab work done.

I took the Provera and within about ten days I had the worst, most heavy period that I think I have ever had. Cramps, heavy flow...yuck! After three yerars on birth control my periods had been so light and had only lasted a few days....This was awful, but I was willing to go through it if this was what it took to get me back on track.

I had the lab work done and waited for my next period to come (hopefully on it's own).

Waiting....

Waiting...

Finally I called Dr. Swanson's office and made another appointment. He came in and I told him the news...No period on my own. He said that my lab work indicated that things were not working properly. I remember him saying, "Nothing is wrong." But since it seemed my hormone levels were so out of whack there really was no reason to not start me on medication.

Another round of Provera to induce my period and then came...Clomid.

To be continued...

Today

2009-09-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

Today I went to see my doctor for an ovarian scan. I had one last week and we saw nothing. I was hoping for some follicles today, but unfortunately...Nothing again. I asked what happens now...Back on medication or just try again on my own next month?..As my doctor started talking to me I felt tears stream down my cheeks. What he was saying was not what I wanted to hear.

Because my right tube is not in proper working order, and my right ovary is always the ovary that is stimulated (even with fertility meds), doctor wants to recommend me for GIFT procedure. He gave me some paperwork to look over and recommended a fertility clinic in San Francisco for us to use. It felt real...I knew we needed fertility help, but I never thought I would have to do IVF or anything like that.

Obviously, we can't afford that. At least not right now. I felt so deflated. I kind of feel like we have come to a fork...kind of a dead fork...I just made that term up...that's like a dead end only it may not be an end forever...we're just stuck at the fork for now.

We do have insurance, but it does not cover IVF...I called the insurance company today and they do cover GIFT (up to $5,000.00), but the procedure is much more than that. Once I quit crying I called the clinic up in San Francisco and talked to Susan about everything. She was so kind, however she said that GIFT is not very popular anymore and to her knowledge the physicians at that clinic hadn't done a GIFT procedure in about two years. She sent me an email with a lot of information in it...The IVF procedure is even more than I thought it would be...at least it is there.

I called the only Reproductive Endocrinologist that does IVF in town and made an appointment to see him. I know we still can't afford the procedure right now, but I am hoping that he just might have some other solution...or at least something we might be able to try first.

All in all...I cried most of today (yes, even at work). Lou was very supportive and is determined to scrape the money together some how. Everyone else I talked to seemed sorry to hear my news, but they all had their own comment that wasn't all that comforting..."It's okay, you're still young...You're only 30." "You can always think about adoption." (Don't get me started on that again.) "Let's get Lou well first." (Lou has a back injury right now...and I am not trying to be insensitive about his injury...Of course I know he needs to get well first.)

I don't quite know what I wanted to hear...

Blog Rules!

2009-09-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

This blog…right now is a Public Blog. I don’t have a problem with a public blog, however please note: this is not a Public Forum. This is MY journey…not yours. Please do not:

1. Tell me that I can adopt.
2. Tell me that I would make a great foster parent.
3. Tell me about IVF, IUI, GIFT…

I know my options…Really I do. If I want your advice or want to know about your experience…I’ll read your blog.

I am at a place (in this journey) that it right for me and my family right now. When I am ready to move forward I will (with my family) make the best decision for us.

For some reason infertility is one of those topics that people just think they can give you advice about. For those of you not going through infertility…let me just tell you that giving fertility advice to someone…Especially saying things like “You can always adopt.” is kind of like saying to someone, “You know you could stand to lose a few pounds.”

Yes…Really. ..So quit doing it.

Everyone struggling with infertility knows about adoption…but that is not what we want. We want to make a baby TOGETHER that is OURS…part him and part me. I am not saying that adoption isn’t for me or isn’t creating a family or anything like that…It’s just not for me RIGHT NOW.

I could go on about each of the other scenarios, but that is not the point of this post. Really, everyone is welcome to read. I just ask that you respect this blog and understand that this is My journey, My feelings, My experience.

If you are struggling yourself with infertility, I would love to hear your story too. I have said before that infertility is lonely and I welcome anyone going through this same thing to get in touch with me (by email or post your blog link in a comment to me).

Thank you.

My Therapy Couch

2009-09-12T12:35:00.001-07:00

My fertility journey is getting too big to keep contained in my head. If I didn't start this blog I was going to end up on that couch in a therapist's office somewhere. I'm not necessarily in a bad space, but all this fertility stuff is filling my head 24/7…and I need an outlet. I don't care if anyone reads any of this or follows this blog at all…this is my journey and I am going to document it here.

My husband and I started trying to conceive last July (2008). I didn't know then that over a year later I would still be "trying." I have kept most of this journey private…of course my family knows what's going on, but I have kept it from our blog and a lot of our friends. Over the last few months I have found myself saying, "When this baby finally gets here I am going to make sure he/she knows just how much we went through to get him/her here." Because this journey is getting longer as each days passes, I have decided to write it down…document it. And in this time of great technology, where better than the World Wide Web? Right?

I found myself lying awake in bed last night thinking about my doctor's appointment (earlier that day). Lou had gone to sleep next to me and my mind was going over things the doctor had said and has said in the past and what I was feeling about all of this. Infertility is a lonely journey (more on that later), and as I lied there and talked to myself (in my head…not out loud) I felt like I was in therapy...talking out my feelings about this journey, and how I got here. This blog was born…here it is…My therapy couch.

In session.